Familiar Sayings Updated for the Next Four Years Don’t bite the hand that feeds you McDonald’s. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him use an all-gender bathroom. It takes a village to run the Department of Government Efficiency. Two wrongs do make a right-wing conspiracy theorist. Wow, that costs an arm and an egg! The early bird gets the brain worm. When the going gets tough, …

I Am a Guy in a Patagonia UV Hoodie, and I Have Never Been Indoors If you’ve spent any time at your local state park, your local body of water, or your local abandoned granite quarry turned rock climbing haven, then I’m sure you’ve seen me. I was probably leading a hiking group, a kayaking expedition, or belaying for a group of middle schoolers on a YMCA-sponsored after-school trip. If so, then you saw me in my…

Six Tips for a Young Writer Whose Father Just Emailed Them a Poem He Wrote and Asked, “Thoughts?” So, your father just emailed you a poem he wrote, and he wants your thoughts about it. You’re probably thinking: I still do not like my father. Is it normal for a person my age to still not like their father? The answer is probably, but probably not. And what you’re also probably thinking (probably) is: I hold (or am about to hold) an MFA. Is th…

We’re the Nine Muses, and We’re All Exactly Sixteen Years Old “The previously unknown ‘muse’ of famed novelist Cormac McCarthy has revealed herself in a Vanity Fair profile… Complete with excerpts from love letters and the first-hand testimony of a woman named Augusta Britt, the article alleges the two met when she was just 16 and the late author was 42. McCarthy died in 2023.” — USA Today – – – Hail, mort…

How to Give Thanks by Cooking Food No One Knows How to Cook and Eating Food No One Likes to Eat To remind everyone how grateful we should be for all the readily available, appealing food that is easy to prepare and that everyone enjoys eating, take one day every year to spend fourteen hours laboring over food so terrible it can only be stomached once annually. Think of everything you like about chicken: its moistness, its versatility, its …

Finally, I Can Quit the Workforce to Devote Myself to Mothering and Fighting Dust Storms As of January 21, 2025, I will no longer be oppressed by my salary, retirement savings scheme, or my office kitchen with its free coffee and biscuits. Instead, I will have the liberty to live out my womanly dream of quitting my job, having babies, performing animal husbandry, and stuffing the windows and doors with towels when the topsoil is swe…

Reasons That I, a Trans Woman, Have Had to Use the Bathroom at My Workplace “House Speaker Mike Johnson declared Wednesday that lawmakers and staff will have to use the restroom corresponding with their biological sex, a statement directed at Sarah McBride, the first transgender person to be elected to Congress, months before she is set to arrive on Capitol Hill.” — AP – – – I needed to fix my lip liner, which got smudg…

Something about President-Elect Nyarlathotep’s Unholy Rebirth Feels Weird, Right? I guess I’m what you’d call a swing voter, Jerry. I am not one to align myself with any political party. I listen to each candidate’s positions on the big issues, review their political career, that sort of thing. I voted for Democrats, and I voted for Republicans. I’m sure you remember that after eight comparatively sane, relatively progressive…

Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Filmmaker and Musician Boots Riley “I am trying to repel audiences and pull them in at the same time, so they gain a different kind of awareness of what they’re watching.” – – – Boots Riley’s art was inspired by his early experiences connecting with people as a labor organizer and party promoter. He doesn’t like the idea of being an authority or a superstar. He just wants to sho…

Something about President-Elect’s Nyarlathotep’s Unholy Rebirth Feels Weird, Right? I guess I’m what you’d call a swing voter, Jerry. I am not one to align myself with any political party. I listen to each candidate’s positions on the big issues, review their political career, that sort of thing. I voted for Democrats, and I voted for Republicans. I’m sure you remember that after eight comparatively sane, relatively progressive…

I’m a Good, Normal Family Man Who Just Wants to Inspect Your Genitals Before You Pee “G.O.P. lawmakers whose leaders have pressed to roll back transgender rights around the country moved to bar Sarah McBride, the first transgender member of Congress, from women’s rooms on Capitol Hill.” — New York Times – – – I’m a family man with a biological woman wife and four beautiful kids: Paelyn, Kaelyn, McKaelyn, and Matt. Each day, I wa…

Welcome to Bluesky, but Maybe Take it Down a Notch? “Over the past week, Bluesky’s growth has exploded, more than doubling to 15 million-plus users as people seek alternatives to X, Facebook, and Threads.” — New York Times – – – Wow, hi. Overnight, I’ve gone from the girl who sits alone at lunch to the azure butterfly of your dreams. So, before things go any further, let’s make sure we start on …

Linda McMahon Is Ready to Pile-Drive the Department of Education “President-elect Donald Trump on Tuesday named Linda McMahon, a former World Wrestling Entertainment executive who served in the first Trump administration, as his pick to lead the Education Department.” – NBC News – – – I am honored to accept President-elect Trump’s nomination as the next United States Secretary of Education. In a world ruined …

The Sirens Are Unionizing Damn right, we’re unionizing. Management wants ten shipwrecks a week. It’s ridiculous. Last year it was eight, who knows what it’ll be next year. Oh, sure, being a siren seems glamorous. Lounge all day, enchant some sailors, punish mankind for mistaking the beautiful for the good. What most folks don’t understand is the amount of work needed to …

Is It a Red Flag?: Romeo and Juliet Edition Your families are embroiled in a bitter feud. Not a red flag. This is a problem that couples have faced throughout history, and most of them have solved it by agreeing to never host an extended family Thanksgiving. You’re thirteen years old. Not a red flag, as long as he is also a teenager. But if he is a much older suitor (let’s say, for exampl…

The Story of the First No-Nut November From William Bradford’s Journal of Plymouth Plantation, Sixteen Hundred and Twenty-One. – – – A lamentable malady had taken fifty and two souls from the humble colony that first winter. Some said God had forsaken them. Others feared plague. But most remarkable were the words of Myles Standish, a well-respected member of the community. For he dec…

I Just Found Out That the Serving Size Is Ten Almonds, But I’ll Eat as Many as I Want I was about to grab a handful of almonds as a snack when you told me to proceed with caution, because the serving size is ten almonds. But I won’t let this impact me. I’ll eat as many almonds as I want, up to ten maximum. It wouldn’t be mentally healthy to obsess over the idea that I am eating too many almonds, at least if I’m eating a helping t…

Your Belief in Our Fearlessness Is Why It Works Over twenty-six beautiful years, McSweeney’s has been reaching for the unexpected and the impossible—books written by rarely heard voices, magazines created with elegant materials unlike any others, and the most timely and intelligent daily satire out there. We believe that readers—and all of us—benefit from the thrill of surprise when we introd…

Help, I’m a Thriller Writer Trapped in a Thriller Series, and I’m Not Getting Any Writing Done Before the murders, work was going well. My last novel, In the Dying Light, remained on the Times’ Best Seller list for 248 weeks. Everything you see on screen, from our seaside mansion filled with framed copies of my book covers, to our antique letter opener collection, I owe to my readers. I’m also devoted to my three suspicious children and g…

I’m a Guardrail, and I Don’t Know What the Fuck You People Want from Me Okay, so look. I’m your basic galvanized steel thrie-beam guardrail. My job is to keep vehicles from flying off the escarpment and squishing all the people driving on the westbound lane who don’t wanna die just because some mope on the eastbound couldn’t be bothered to keep his hands on the wheel. You know what I wasn’t built for? This Trump bul…