I’m the Music Supervisor for All Those Netflix Reality Dating Shows I dreamt of being a music icon, but instead, I’m sweating through my clothes inside a mobile edit bay somewhere in South America, soundtracking an argument between a software salesperson from Bakersfield who’s looking for “someone to settle down with” and a Dallas marketing coordinator “hoping to, like, do something different in terms of dating….

Introducing the First-Ever Smart Thermostat for Perimenopausal People Just like you, this groundbreaking thermostat rewrites the laws of thermodynamics to be hot and cold simultaneously. It can instantly cool any space to 28 degrees Fahrenheit while simultaneously warming it to 114. The Smart Thermostat for the Perimenopausal is advertised pretty much exclusively by word of mouth, and each person who tells you abo…

The Democrats Plan a Holiday Party JEN, QUENTIN, STEPHANIE, and DAVID enter a conference room located deep inside the DC Beltway. DAVID sits in a chair. QUENTIN sits in a chair facing the opposite direction. STEPHANIE throws a chair through the window and sits on the table. JEN picks up a chair and duct tapes it to her back, then sits on STEPHANIE. DAVID: All right, everyone. I d…

Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Musician Jack Stratton “Concerts should be fun. I don’t like it when they feel like religion.” – – – I had been wondering something about Jack Stratton, the founder and leader of the band Vulfpeck, for the past twenty-one years. I remember him occasionally rapping in his sleep back in 2003, when I was Jack’s camp counselor on the shores of Lower Baker Pond in Wentwort…

We Need to Save the Men Men are so disaffected right now. We must affect them again. I’m not sure what that means, but I know the future of democracy depends on it. There’s no denying how poorly men are doing—this has been true for decades. The educational and professional advancement of women has been awful for them, and it’s forced men to take dramatic steps like con…

UnitedHealthcare Is Now Medicare For All Here at UnitedHealthcare, we understand just how valuable your health is. It’s why we’re in the business of health care. Why nearly 49.5 million Americans count on us for their coverage. And why we’re eighth on the Fortune 500. Yet despite revenues reaching $1.39 trillion in 2023, poll after poll shows that Americans are unhappy with our service…

Gender Is Determined by God, Biology, and the Highest Governing Body of Some Random Sport This isn’t complicated. A man is a man, a woman is a woman, and if we have any questions, we simply consult the highest governing body of a random sport. As the saying goes, when in doubt, turn to the International Association of Amateur Heptathlon Competitors. Scripture tells us that God made man in his image. Biology tells us that men and wome…

What We Talk About When We Talk About Tariffs With apologies to Raymond Carver. – – – My friend Kevin Maddox was talking. Kevin Maddox makes a fortune selling novelty pickleball T-shirts on Etsy, and sometimes that gives him the right. “The kind of tariffs I’m talking about, the other country pays,” he said. The four of us, my wife, Debra, and Kevin’s wife, Bridget, were sitting around his …

Announcing the International Library of Youth Writing For many years, at 826 Valencia and McSweeney’s, we’ve collected startlingly great publications from youth writing centers around the world. But there has never been a physical space where they’re displayed, and we thought there should be such a space. When the storefront at 849 Valencia opened up, we saw an opportunity. Welcome to The Internati…

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A Faculty Member’s Self-Evaluation at the End of the Semester Dear Committee Members, As part of the faculty review process, I am pleased to report to you on my work. In this letter, I will offer information on my research, service, and teaching, showing why I continue to be an excellent and essential member of our Higher Education Institution. RESEARCH In the past year, I published two articles in peer-re…

Rules from Claire’s Employee Handbook 1. You have to use the piercing gun. No matter how many times the customers say they have seen The Parent Trap, they will scream in the store if you use a needle, which will scare the other customers. 2. There is no limit on keychains per customer. We have corrected this misconception. It seems an employee instituted a limit because they persona…

Template for Trump Supporters Outraged over Hunter Biden’s Pardon “President Biden issued a full and unconditional pardon of his son Hunter on Sunday night after repeatedly insisting he would not do so, using the power of his office to wave aside years of legal troubles, including a federal conviction for illegally buying a gun and for tax evasion.” — New York Times – – – Unbelievable! President Biden has pard…

As Executor of the Frère Jacques Estate, I’ve Been Appointed to Collect Royalties from Your Preschool Dear Sir or Madam: It has come to the attention of our firm that your preschool is in violation of dozens of federal registration laws surrounding the intellectual property owned and operated by the estate of Frère Jacques, also known as Brother John. Our findings show that classrooms within your organization are willfully using the “Frère Jacqu…

Famous Authors Lose Their Moms in Department Stores James Joyce: “Maaaaaam, oh, maaaaaaaaa…” Albert Camus (to a concerned Big Lots manager): “Lost maman in home goods today. Or maybe it was yesterday.” George Orwell: “Mom, The Party is holding me at checkout for thoughtcrime (throwing hangers at store security cameras).” Herman Melville (to Costco employee): “When we find her, please don’t tell m…

Leonardo Da Vinci Seeks Part-Time Holiday Position at Hobby Lobby Dear Hiring Manager, I am excited to apply for a seasonal position at Hobby Lobby. The holidays are a time of joy, and I look forward to creating a timeless masterpiece in big-box retail. References (attached) say I’m a “Renaissance Man,” an unsurpassed polymath, the most curious man who ever lived. But the title I covet most is customer service…

Excerpts from The Believer: Resurrector: Signs A rotating guest column in which writers reexamine critically unacclaimed works of art – – – We didn’t often go to the movies as a whole family, but in 2002 we all saw Signs. This was back when we could be convinced to hit the theater en masse simply because a guy named Manoj—better known as “M. Night”—was making it big in Hollywood. This was a …

Butterball’s Helpline Helpline Originally published November 26, 20023. – – – Q: A caller just said she forgot to baste every 10 minutes. I advised her to serve the turkey anyway. Was I correct? A: Not at all. The turkey is merely the vehicle for the basting. In a recent poll, nine out of ten people would rather sit down at the table and suck on the end of a baster full of bu…

Prepare for the Inevitable Political Arguments at Thanksgiving with the Turkey Poncho Families will be at each other’s throats this Thanksgiving. The political divide feels wider than ever, and both sides are digging their heels in. It’s a foregone conclusion that there will be heated arguments. But there’s no need for your bird to get drenched in spittle just because your dad starts claiming ectopic pregnancy is “no big whoop.” …