The U.N. Trial of That One Barber Who Always Screws Up The following is a transcript of the UN trial of Tony Patterson, a terrible barber charged with crimes against hair-manity. The trial took place at The Hague. The transcript has been edited to highlight portions of Patterson’s cross-examination. PROSECUTOR: On the morning of April 3rd, walked into King Cutz looking for a high-top…

A Letter? How Grand! What’s this? A letter? With my name on it? How grand! Bring it to me in my study, in my living room, in my boudoir, in my bedchamber. Bring it to me on a platter strewn with rose petals and flax. Fetch me my slippers, my nightcap, and my purple velvet robe. Decant the cognac. Summon the hickory pipe. Have you received a letter too? But first, li…

Features of Homes That I Would Absolutely Settle for in This Housing Market Broken boiler Combination washing machine-stove Bathroom with three sinks and no toilet Twin ghosts Banging pipes that sound like the weeping of an old Italian widow Former home of sex cult Current home of sex cult No roof No walls No floors Tile-eating termites Shag ceiling Built on quicksand Foundation is gum Landlord is snakes Infestation of …

A Camping Trip with Young Kids, as Imagined by Me Before Having Kids The two-hour drive on winding mountain roads is pleasant, since my twin preschoolers have only ever listened to hip indie music, so we never have to subject ourselves to a constant loop of “Baby Shark.” I whisper, “Good luck,” to the other families who are stopped along the side of the road so their kids can throw up from motion sickness. They m…

Men’s Hand Motions When Dancing Steering the horsecart Priming the generator Drawing in the day’s catch Bongo drum solo Vulcan greeting Praise the Lord I surrender Marcel Marceau wall push Roadside hitchhiker Pulling punches Parting the curtains Downward dog Hey, waiter Check, please Bye-bye – – – Illustrations by Noah Monks

What Your Choice of Wedding Registry Gift Says About You The Least Expensive Thing on the Registry: You are cheap, sure, but they wouldn’t put the gift on the registry if they didn’t want it, right? Enjoy the picture frame, newlyweds! At the $200-per-plate reception, you’ll be telling the “drinks are on me!” joke at the open bar all night. The Second Least Expensive Thing on the Registry: Someone alre…

Your OBGYN’s Pain Scale: An Interpretive Guide “You won’t feel anything.” It won’t hurt per se, but it will feel like the nurse is dragging a bone-dry tampon out of your vagina over and over again. “This might be a little warm.” This will feel like the time you accidentally burned your hand on the stove, but only for a few seconds. “This might be a little cold.” This will feel like you’…

Can You Believe This Cabin Has Trivial Pursuit? Kids, come quick! While this little cabin may not have Wi-Fi, TV, or even bathrooms, you know what it does have? A well-worn copy of Trivial Pursuit. Can you believe it? How lucky are we? I mean, what are the chances that this weekend getaway has such an absolute masterpiece? They could have had other cabin classics like a chess board with no ch…

Seven Bikini Poses That Won’t Send You to the Hospital, Probably 1. From Behind Like a Baddie Show off your booty with this classic bikini photo taken from behind. Look back at the camera by craning your neck 180-degrees or as far as you can without snapping your spinal cord or scrunching any neck skin for a definitely-not-candid candid shot that is oh so cheeky. 2. Tuck and Trot Nail this pose by squeezing a…

Short Conversations with Poets: Paisley Rekdal Paisley Rekdal’s work is urban, the poetry an explosion of language, the ranging cast of mind in the spirit of Albert Goldbarth or Linda Gregerson. Like these poets her lines are made of long hypotactic sentences, linking image and language on a string of wondrous beads, leaping in and through those long lines like C. K. Williams. Rekdal infuses…

Summer Air Travel Tips from Apocalypse Now’s Colonel Walter E. Kurtz The hunt begins at birth; the mission becomes clearer and clearer. But no man can act alone. By cross-referencing Google Flights, Kayak, Expedia, Hopper, and Delta’s Twitter bot, you should be able to secure and execute your destiny: a $650 ticket from Denver to Minneapolis via Kansas City. – – – I went down a river once when I was a kid. There’…

Hey, It’s Me, God, Your Totally Not Vengeful New Landlord In the beginning, I created the apartment and the lease. Then I said, “Let there be tenant”; and there was tenant. And I saw the tenant and that she had sufficient pay stubs and no criminal record, which was good. For I am the landlord your God, and wish not to reveal my wrath upon our first meeting. Then I said, “Let there be skylight”; and the…

Ron DeSantis’s Fourth of July Party Prep List June 15-22 Order fireworks from AmericanMadeFireWorks.com Screen bakeries to find one that hasn’t made cakes for gay weddings, Disney princess-themed parties, birthdays held at woke public schools, Disney Strange World-themed parties, gender reveal celebrations, parties for people who have been to Disney World, retirement parties for DEI traine…

We Struck Down Affirmative Action Because We Believe People Only Deserve Extra Consideration If They Let You Hang Out on Their Boat “Justice Samuel Alito took luxury fishing vacation with GOP billionaire who later had cases before the court.” — ProPublica “The Supreme Court on Thursday struck down affirmative action programs at the University of North Carolina and Harvard in a major victory for conservative activists, ending the systematic consideration of race in the admiss…

Indiana Jones and Cleaning Out Your Parents’ House – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –

Definitions of Popular Gen Z Terms from the Founding Fathers’ Dictionary of Patriotic American English “Streaming” : Crossing a medium-sized body of water in short trousers to rescue one’s horse and carriage from sudden peril. “Bop” : The sound of George Washington’s hand-crafted Masonic gavel landing on a ceremonial cornerstone. “Cheugy” : The act of using one’s wooden teeth to thoroughly masticat…

John Hancock Explains His Big Signature Dear Fellow Signers of the Declaration of Independence: Now that our noble document is complete, it is time to address the elephant in the room: my name is much bigger than everyone else’s. I’ll be the first to admit that it is absolutely massive. Yet I must also speak this self-evident truth: it is not entirely my fault. The fact is I thought w…