“Barbie Girl” by Ernest Hemingway With apologies to Aqua. – – – She would collect name tags and uniforms like a poacher collects tusks. She was many things. She was a ballerina and a lawyer and a flight attendant and a pilot. When we first met, she was a model by trade. It was an occupation viewed by many as unskilled, but I found beauty in its simplicity. Her profession did not…

The Sun Also Rises Drinking Game If you cannot decide whether to go to South America or British East Africa because you are getting bored with Paris, drink a full glass of whiskey. Drink one shot of absinthe if you are waiting to be seated at a restaurant. Drink two bottles of wine with dinner if you are entertaining a French prostitute. If you run into someone you know, but th…

Ernest Hemingway’s “Hills Like White Oliphaunts” The hills west of the Anduin were tall and white. On its east side there were low shrubs and thin grass and no trees and rocks and stones and dirt near the road which led north and south alongside Mordor. Here they set camp with a small fire and pot simmering skinned conies for a poor stew. The Hobbit and the creature with him sat on a flat ston…

Now I Am Become Pretentious, the Sayer of a Famous Quote “Now I become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” — J. Robert Oppenheimer, on witnessing the first detonation of a nuclear weapon. – – – What have I, J. Robert Oppenheimer, done? The deadliest weapon in history was made by my hand, leaving me the terrible responsibility to build a quote of equal magnitude, a remark just as horrifying and enduring,…

My Political Career Should Not Be Defined by the One Time I Got My Dick Stuck in a CVS Blood Pressure Machine Well, registered voters of Bradford County. It’s been quite a ride. As my one and only term as transportation commissioner comes to an end, I can’t help but look back and wonder: Where did it all go wrong? Losing this election by the biggest voting margin in our state’s history will not tarnish everything I’ve accomplished. A new five-year trans…

We’re Subletting Our Fourth Bed Space While Bedmate Visits Chocolate Factory We’re looking for someone to take over a temporary lease while our bedmate goes on a once-in-a-lifetime visit to a chocolate factory. About Us We’re three grandparents who sleep in the same bed in the middle of our daughter/daughter-in-law’s one-bedroom efficiency. We spend all our time in bed, knitting, sleeping, eating soup, watching TV, and r…

Short Conversations with Poets: Eric McHenry Over two books, both published by The Waywiser Press, Eric McHenry has built up a world of poetry that’s at once lighthearted and serious, cantankerous and comical. It’s populated with lullabies and villanelles and references that defy easy category—ranging from, for instance, Kansas history to early hip-hop to baseball to Sam Cooke lyrics to tr…

An Actual Boy Genius Finds Out About the Band boygenius I’ll be the first to admit music is not my strong suit. Of course, I did master the violin by age three, wrote my first opera at four, and was performing Wagner’s Der Ring des Nibelungen as a soloist with the Vienna Philharmonic in kindergarten—but those were the simpler days of my youth. Now I’m nine years old and building experimental AI milit…

Popular Sins, Explained Greed is one of the most popular sins, which explains why it inspired so many Bible verses. For example, Luke 12:15 reads, “Life does not consist in an abundance of possessions,” and was clearly written in a time before pinball machines and dirt bikes. Cussing is a confusing sin because it requires context. When a farmer refers to his donkey as …

My Wife and I Share Household Duties, Actually Come on, it’s the twenty-first century. I believe in equality between the genders. Or is it equity? Whatever e-word the gals are jabbering about, that’s what I support—100 percent. Cleaning? I take the living room windows; my wife takes the bedroom windows. I take the closet; she takes the bathroom. I take the kitchen sink; she takes the gutters…

I Am a Monster Hell Bent on Destroying Earth, but Humans Are More Concerned That I’m a Lesbian When I burst forth from Earth’s molten core into downtown Manhattan, I had one intention: to destroy every living thing on Earth. “I will turn the world into my dominion of shadows, a barren wasteland of chaos.” The humans shrugged, unfazed by my horrific threat. “Also, I’m a lesbian.” The humans screamed, their faces twisted in disgust. “Oh God…

Side Hustles of My High School Students or Second Jobs of My Teacher Friends? 1. PSAT tutor 2. ACT proctor 3. Buying and selling GameStop index funds while I’m trying to collect the fucking homework 4. Youth soccer camp coach 5. Piano lessons and biweekly plasma donations 6. Wedding photographer 7. Wedding violinist 8. Lifeguard 9. Cadillac car salesboy 10. Running a literacy enrichment program for underserved youth 11. R…

Why Yes, This Human Internment Camp Did Used to Be a Topgolf Greetings human! Welcome to the internment camp operated by your robot overlords. Congratulations on not being sent to the beheading farm—you have a skillset we consider valuable, or your head shape was deemed likely to break the beheader. Please proceed to the Sterilization Zone that used to be a chipping green. Here, sensors that once detected…

My Stepdaughter Cinderella Is Simply Not Being Realistic with Her Expectations and It’s Very Disturbing to Me “Disney CEO Bob Iger Says Writers and Actors Are Not Being ‘Realistic’ With Strikes: ‘It’s Very Disturbing to Me’” – Variety – – – Ever since I married Cinderella’s father I’ve only ever asked her to cook and clean and obediently serve myself and her stepsisters. But is she happy meekly toiling away at endless chores while we live the high life?…

It’s the Job of My Dreams, But I’d Have to Write a Cover Letter, So Nevermind A generous salary, a hybrid work schedule, robust PTO, and the ability to put that anthropology degree to use at long last. The commute: minimal. The employer: focused on work-life balance and making a difference. The work: rewarding and enjoyable. In short, I thought I had found my dream job, that is until I learned about the cover letter. In l…

Take It from Me, Capitalism: Remote Work Will Make You Sick and Die “Remote work poses risks to physical health.” — The Hill “Swollen eyes, a hunchback, and claw-like hands: What remote-workers will look like by 2100.” — The Daily Mail – – – Listen, it’s not me, Capitalism, saying you should be in an office under the watchful eye of a boss who controls your time and every move. It’s actual doctors, health expert…

Airbnb Reviews of Henry David Thoreau’s Cabin Be warned, this “cozy” and “rustic” place to “commune with nature” is just a 10 by 15-foot room, like a wooden prison cell. Not sure if the listing used a fish-eye lens, but if I wanted a tiny house I would have filtered for one, buddy. — 1 Star – – – No Wi-Fi? Unbelievable. — 0 Stars – – – A good price, but the place is shoddily constructed. Ma…

Short Conversations with Poets: Michael Earl Craig Across his first five—and now six—collections of poetry, Michael Earl Craig has developed a poetry as whimsical as it is serious, diffusing the gravitas not by leaving it out, but by building out a surface—a texture in language—that feels disarming, direct, omnivorous in its references, and impishly playful. Parataxis is Craig’s friend, but more…

Walled-In; Or, Life in the Bathroom Hiding from My Kids “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately…” — Henry David Thoreau, Walden; Or, Life in the Woods – – – I went to the bathroom because I wished to live deliberately, to sit on the toilet while doing the New York Times Spelling Bee puzzle, and see if I could learn the solution, and not, when I came to die—probably one week from n…

The Great British Bake Off: Depression Meals Week SIGNATURE CHALLENGE:SOMETHING WITH BREAD VOICEOVER: For their signature challenge, the bakers were asked to prepare something, anything, with bread. Because, for the love of god, they need to eat today. Val’s Bread-fast PRUE: I appreciate the effort you put into getting out of bed and going to the refrigerator to feed yourself at a reasonable t…