Other Election Fraud Indictment Quotes That Indicate Co-Conspirator 1 Is Probably Rudy Giuliani “Co-conspirator 1 is described in the indictment as an ‘attorney who was willing to spread knowingly false claims and pursue strategies that the defendant’s 2020 re-election campaign would not.’” — The New York Times – – – “A Time Person of the Year somewhere between 2000 and 2002.” “A formerly revered mayor-cum-sloven crony best described as a …

I Am Trump’s Criminal Lawyer’s Criminal Lawyer’s Criminal Lawyer’s Criminal Lawyer, and Once Again, I Have No Fucking Clue What Is Happening Good day. I survived the civil suits (so far) and just received a check from a Super PAC’s Super PAC’s Super PAC’s Super PAC. And now I’ve been engaged to be Trump’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer. I think that’s it. I might be his criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer’s criminal lawyer. I might be his criminal…

Short Conversations with Poets: Mary Austin Speaker A few months before Mary Austin Speaker moved away from New York, her city of many years, she started writing poetry on her train commute across the Manhattan Bridge. The result, called The Bridge, is emblematic of Speaker’s buoyant, radiant poetry, at once involved in a community—in this case the community of commuters in a given random subway …

I’m a Four-Year-Old on Prednisone, and I’m About to Bench Press this Power Wheels Look at me! No, don’t look at the lollipop in my hair—look me in my unblinking dilated pupils. This nasty skin rash, which I probably got when Ella stuck her finger in my nose at preschool, is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Because the doctor hooked me up with a little steroid called prednisone, street name “Pow Pow Juice,” and now I f…

Captain Ahab’s Third Hour Playing the Claw Machine at Dave & Buster’s Gather round, men, for tonight I shall finish my mission of vengeance against this cruel machine that mocks my attempts to understand the ways of the Almighty! My life’s goal is finally within my grasp, and soon I shall snare that SpongeBob SquarePants plush toy and spite the malignant force that prevents me from being fulfilled in life! I merel…

Things I Definitely Wouldn’t Bring If I Were Stranded on a Desert Island My sister’s baby Definitely wouldn’t bring my sister’s baby. That would be so unwise, so I can confidently say I wouldn’t bring them. That’s a good choice, right? Because then I’d have to bring the baby plus all the baby supplies. And I’d have the added difficulty of having to take care of the baby while also trying to survive myself—too many mo…

This Summer, I’m Gonna Totally Bang Emily Dickinson I get what I want, and this summer, I want Emily Dickinson. She is the hottest girl in Amherst. Did you see that white dress she insists on wearing every day? It reaches all the way to the floor, baby. Mark it down, before I leave Massachusetts, I’m going to bang that lady poet. She’ll be so out of her mind, she’ll be like, “I’m nobody, who are …

Dangerous Children’s Picture Books That Could Be Lurking in Your Home Chicka Chicka Boom Boom Some people are wising up and removing this bawdy board book from impressionable kindergarten classrooms. The title alone is filthy. It encourages kids to join orgies, which is obviously how all those letters got injured up there in the so-called “coconut tree.” The Very Hungry Caterpillar Normalizes binge eating and ob…

Summer’s in Full Swing at the Clam ‘n’ Putt Our family has been FRYING UP CLAMS at the Clam ‘n’ Putt for more generations than we can remember. When it’s summer, you can count on two things: HOT SUN, and us here making clams, because Neptune totally fucking cursed our family. Basically, like a thousand years ago, one of our ancestors was starving on a boat. One day he caught a clam and at…

Take a Break from Earth’s Heat and Come Cool Off in Hell “Earth just broke records for its hottest day” — Vox (7/26/2023) – – – We can’t believe we’re saying this, but for the first time since Satan’s fall from Heaven, Earth is hotter than Hell. To celebrate, we are opening our gates and allowing anyone from Earth to visit—not just the eternally damned. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not all fire an…

We Promise Our STEM Toys Will Never Teach Your Child the Humanities We realize there are a lot of educational toys out there, particularly those that teach STEM skills (science, technology, engineering, and math). In today’s crowded marketplace, it can be tough to know what will keep your children entertained and on track to become the next engineer, chemist, coder, or tech CEO. But what if they want to grow up …

I’m the Sapphic-Coded Best Friend in a Movie or TV Show, and I’m Definitely Not Queerbaiting ’Sup. It’s your best friend, Avery or something. As you can tell from the wind-whipped hair on the non-shaved half of my head, I rode my motorcycle here from my eclectically furnished studio apartment in our city’s equivalent neighborhood to the Lower East Side portrayed in Rent. That’s where my similarities to those characters end. I’m not some…

I’m the Sapphic-Coded Best Friend in a Movie, and I’m Definitely Not Queerbaiting ’Sup. It’s your best friend, Avery or something. As you can tell from the wind-whipped hair on the non-shaved half of my head, I rode my motorcycle here from my eclectically furnished studio apartment in our city’s equivalent neighborhood to the Lower East Side portrayed in Rent. That’s where my similarities to those characters end. I’m not some…

How to Ensure Your Annual Beach Vacation Destroys Your Relationship with Your Extended Family 1. Rent one big house together. Working “together” to choose a house, everyone should drag their feet and be overly polite until the bossiest one just takes care of it. The Boss should resent that they had to do everything. Everyone else should resent that The Boss got to make the decision. No one should say anything (yet). 2. Gather funding. Th…

Use My New Slang in Meetings and Score Accordingly “You can still circle back and touch base. But the vernacular of work life for many has changed just as much as their work has.” — The New York Times – – – “Goat teats and summer coats” I propose we start using this phrase to mean really drilling down and getting granular. Example: “We’ve got the thirty-thousand-foot view, but let’s get down to …

The Louvre Is Thrilled to Announce It Is Rebranding to “UVR” “X is the future state of unlimited interactivity—centered in audio, video, messaging, payments/banking—creating a global marketplace for ideas, goods, services, and opportunities. Powered by AI, X will connect us all in ways we’re just beginning to imagine.” — Linda Yaccarino, CEO of Twitter, which has now rebranded to X. – – – Here at the Louv…

Short Conversations with Poets: Daniel Brock Johnson Daniel Brock Johnson’s second book of poetry, Shadow Act: An Elegy for Journalist James Foley, is a representation of the relationship between two friends. On the one hand, the journalist James Foley. On the other, the poet. It’s as if the two men were bound together so deeply and eerily that their lives are each other’s shadows. Foley’s adventu…

Breakup Clichés with Cheryl, a Sassy ’90s Sitcom Character SARA: Steve broke up with me! ADAM: Aw, sweetie, there are plenty of fish in the sea. CHERYL (gesticulating with a Bop It): Which makes it statistically unlikely you’ll ever find your perfect mat…

Grab a Quick Lunch at Our Fast-Casual Slop Trough Calling all office warriors and lunchtime heroes, a brand-new FEED is coming to this location. If you haven’t yet visited one of our eighty-one other identical locations in the city that all popped up last month, you’re in for a delicious new way to get the fuel you need to finish your workday strong. Think Sweetgreen—but it’s pig food. Oink-oin…

Based on Quotes from Last Night’s Dinner, Do My Parents Want Me to Give Them a Grandkid or Join a Multilevel Marketing Scheme? 1. “This is a life-changing opportunity.” 2. “We need to expand our line.” 3. “Don’t you want to get in on the ground floor of transforming someone’s life?” 4. “The clock is ticking.” 5. “Sure, there’s a large up-front investment of time and money, but trust us, the payoff is huge.” 6. “Don’t worry, there are zero qualifications. Anyone can do i…