I’m Trying a Wild Experimental Diet Where I Restrict My Working Hours to Certain Times of the Day I never thought I’d follow a dieting fad. I always prided myself on being the type of laid-back person who worked as much as I wanted, whenever I wanted. But recently, I noticed I was working nearly nonstop. When I wasn’t literally working, I was thinking about work. As I’ve gotten older, my body just can’t absorb that much work anymore. Then, a…

As an Elected Republican Who Believes in the Rapture, This Is My Chance to Shine Saw my interview on CNN, did you? The one in which I said a functioning state is an impediment to the Great Tribulation that precedes the Rapture? You’re probably wondering why every Republican administration is like turning over a rock and finding a bunch of weird bugs hanging out right underneath the foundations of our government. Allow me, a …

Normalizing Indian Hate Makes Me a Good Father and Husband “Vice President JD Vance attempted to defend an employee of Elon Musk’s cost-cutting Department of Government Efficiency who made racist posts on social media promoting eugenics… ‘Normalize Indian hate,’ one account associated with the employee said.” — Yahoo News – – – Medieval Catholic theology, as developed by luminaries such as Saints August…

A Note from the Contractor Working on Robert Plant’s Ambitious Home Remodeling Project Dear Mr. Plant, I wanted to talk with you in person, but you haven’t been around much lately. Hair salon or at J. R. R. Tolkien book club, I’m told. There are things we need to figure out, but you only seem to want to communicate through songs. I have received your tape, which I think addresses our project from your perspective. It’s not all tha…

Voting for the Mayor Who Promised to Blow Up the City Doesn’t Mean I Approve of the Mayor Blowing Up the City It’s so easy to label people these days. From the way folks have been talking, you’d think everyone falls into two buckets: those who voted against the mayor who promised to blow up the city and those who voted for the mayor who promised to blow up the city. And now that the mayor, whom I voted for, is blowing up the city, as he promised, I’m on…

More Politically Neutral End Zone Slogans for the NFL “NFL to remove ‘End Racism’ messaging in end zone ahead of Super Bowl. — New York Times – – – We at the NFL have been committed to racial justice ever since the George Floyd protests brought renewed criticism of our treatment of Colin Kaepernick. This is why we began proudly displaying the slogan “End Racism” in the end zones of games in 2021. T…

I Got My Dog Talking Buttons, and Now He’s Selling Health Insurance Okay, I need to be quiet because I’m just outside his office. You can probably hear him through the door right now. He’s selling sketchy supplemental health insurance plans to senior citizens by phone using his talking buttons. It’s insane. Here, walk with me because he’s demanding a double Puppychino latte. He insists I make it at home because …

Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Martine Syms “I like thinking about the cut in film as a kiss. It brings things together.” – – – I met Martine Syms at a microscopic art gallery in Los Angeles’s Chinatown in 2012. We’d both been invited to give presentations to an audience so small we were essentially performing for each other, and although I can’t remember what either of our talks was abou…

Spines for Senators Is Now Pitchforks for the People It is with a heavy heart that we admit Spines for Senators (S4S) has failed in its mission to provide invertebrate lawmakers with the transformational surgeries they so desperately need. To be blunt, we weren’t fully prepared for the challenges presented by these feckless losers. We thought some of them (one of them?) wanted to be better. How wr…

McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Jason Roeder about Griefstrike!, His Humor Book about Grief – – – We’re proud that Jason Roeder’s funny and poignant Griefstrike! is a semi-finalist for the 2025 Thurber Prize. Here’s an interview we did with Jason when the book first came out. – – – When it comes to grief, there’s no room for second best. Sure, there are other guidebooks aimed at helping you cope with the emotional and practical challen…

Welcome to Cybertruck Anger Management We’ve all been there. One day, you’re driving to the grocery store, minding your own business, and then you see it coming from the opposite end of the street. At first, you panic and wonder if it’s the off-screen entity from Bird Box that drives people to death if looked at. But then, just as quickly, you feel it: a deep, primal rage. The future…

Various Ways How I, a Gay Man, Use the Word “Mama” “We’re OK, Mama” When I’ve had great banter with the server the whole night, and she comes up to us to ask if there’s anything else we need before she brings the check. “OK, Mama!!!” Giving praise to a friend for any minor accomplishment. “Mama, are you OK?” When my friend is going through a tough breakup, and he wants to dye his hair platinum …

Here at DOGE, We’ve Streamlined Every Aspect of America’s Collapse “Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent gave representatives of the so-called Department of Government Efficiency access to the federal payment system late on Friday, according to five people familiar with the change, handing Elon Musk and the team he is leading a powerful tool to monitor and potentially limit government spending. — New York Times – -…

An Open Letter to the Old Man Who Bartered with My Cancer-Patient Daughter at the Community Yard Sale Fundraiser Dear Old Man Who Bartered with My Cancer-Patient Daughter at the Community Yard Sale Fundraiser, Thank you for attending the Alex’s Lemonade Stand community yard sale last Saturday. By “attending,” of course, I mean “looming over my ten-year-old daughter’s card table and haggling over the price of a sequined stuffed seal as if your Social Securi…

If Crooks Were Studying My Every Move to Pull an Ocean’s 11–Style Heist on Me “Good morning, boss.” “Mornin’, Sneaky Matt. They tell me you’re the one’s been tailing our mark for the last month, is that right?” “That’s right, sir.” “Studyin’ his moves and whatnot, stickin’ to him like white on rice and so forth, is that right, Sneaky Matt?” “It’s Sneaky Matthew, but yes, sir.” “That’s real good, Sneaky Matthew. I hear thi…

An Accurate Organizational Chart of Your University In accordance with our informal tradition of updating documents every thirty years, whether they need it or not, our university is pleased to present this updated org chart that most accurately captures our system of governance (which management scientists term “Kafkaesque bureaucracy meets Lord of the Files,” though no one understands these ref…

Elon Musk’s Directive on How to Change a Light Bulb in a Federal Building “Elon Musk’s government-slashing crew, the ‘department of government efficiency,’ has been given access to the federal payment system, exposing the sensitive personal data of millions of Americans as well as details of public contractors who compete directly with Musk’s own businesses, an influential US senator has confirmed.” — The Guardian – -…

We Democrats Will Fight Back Just as Soon as We Can Get Our Shit Together “More than 50 interviews with Democratic leaders revealed a party that is struggling to define what it stands for, what issues to prioritize, and how to confront a Trump administration that is carrying out a right-wing agenda with head-spinning speed.” — New York Times – – – In these terrifying times, the Democratic Party would like to assure yo…

The Twelve Labors of Hercules, First-Time Homebuyer Hercules, demigod and hero, in a fit of madness brought on by FOMO and too much HGTV, did consult with the Oracle of Delphi about buying a house. The Oracle, in her wisdom, and in partnership with Redfin, advised Hercules, “You know, there’s really never a bad time to get on the property ladder.” And thus, Hercules did put an offer in on a house…

An Oral History of the Kidz Bop Cover of John Cage’s 4′33″ Part One: The Kidz Dana Wilkinson, Kidz Bop Producer: People don’t remember this, but there was a draft in the early 2000s. We’d show up at some third-grader’s door, and they could only bring one duffle bag and a handful of their homeland’s soil with them. We called them the Kidz Korp. Eileen Atwater, Kidz Bop Kid: The Kidz Korp was run by Irvin…