Say What You Want About Joseph Stalin, At Least He Wasn’t Old Joseph Stalin was a brutal tyrant. When he took power, he began a totalitarian regime, imprisoned and executed thousands of citizens, and orchestrated a famine. But the man deserves credit for what we now realize is the single most important trait in a leader: he wasn’t old. I’m just being fair and balanced. Yes, Joseph Stalin committed atrociti…

Short Conversations with Poets: Timothy Donnelly Timothy Donnelly’s new book, Chariot, is a genius sweep of quatrains—almost all of them consist of five stanzas, long-lined, sheer music. Donnelly’s sensibility has always gathered its strength at the point where essay and lyric meet, where philosophy shades into beautiful brilliant torsion-rich talk, something you might dream of hearing at a dr…

I Didn’t Follow the Recipe, and I’m Appalled It Turned Out So Awful ONE STAR. If I could, I’d give it zero stars. I cannot believe I wasted six hours making this so-called banana bread. I did everything right. I followed the recipe exactly, except for changing every single ingredient. All I did was swap the all-purpose flour for whole wheat—no big deal. And I think eggs are gross, so I used soaked chia seeds ins…

I Don’t Have Much Interest in Talking to You, But Our Toddlers Just Started Playing Together at This Playground, So I Guess We’re Doing This What’s that, Mikey? A piece of playground mulch? Nice. Let’s put that in our bucket, okay? Oh, and who’s this? Hey there. Mikey, it looks like he has a piece of mulch for your bucket too. Can you let him drop it in? Very nice. Oh, and now you both want to keep collecting pieces of mulch, meaning I’ll get to keep standing next to this other adult…

Let Me, a Man Accused of Sexual Harassment Against a Football Player, Explain Feminism to You “Fake feminism does not seek justice, doesn’t seek the truth, doesn’t care about people. I repeat, they are preparing an execution” — Spanish Football Federation President Luis Rubiales, who has been accused of sexual harassment by a player on the national team. – – – Friends, I come before you today as a feminist seeking to defend myself again…

What Is and Is Not a Vibe Neon lights on diner signs are a vibe. Neon lights as art is not a vibe. Midcentury modern is no longer a vibe. Art Nouveau is back in vibe. Scandinavia, the area of the world, is a vibe. A vibey restaurant is not my vibe. A vibey bar is trying too hard to vibe. A vibey club is the point of the vibe. Doing a vibe check every time you go out is n…

It’s Time for the Monthly Text to Confirm Our Friendship Hello, and welcome to our adult friendship. It can be hard to maintain close friendships upon reaching adulthood, and that’s why we’ve streamlined the process into a simple monthly text. Please respond with “lol” to confirm our friendship. By confirming this friendship, you are agreeing to participate in one friendship confirmation text per mont…

Introducing Our University’s New Executive Vice President of Saving Money Colleagues, friends, and adjuncts — As many of you know, the university is facing unprecedented budget shortfalls. These shortfalls aren’t directly your fault, but to be honest, it is you who will absorb the consequences of our lack of funds. That said, please know we think you’re doing a fantastic job. (Except for the English department, which …

Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One with All the Hand Raising 2024 REPUBLICANPRIMARY DEBATEMILWAUKEE, WISCONSINAUGUST 23, 2023 9:00 PM: The debate opens with a rugged Sam Elliot-style cowboy voiceover opining on where exactly Wisconsin is, saying, “Some call it the heartland, some call it flyover country, but wherever this backwater hole is, we can all agree on the cool taste of Marlboros and that Australi…

I’ve Got a New Lease on Life I hit rock bottom earlier this year. I was sad, sick, alone, and seemingly out of options. But I’m happy to say that I’ve got a new lease on life. I’m happier, healthier, and more social for only $8,000 a month, with 6.4% APR financing. Before, I would spend every night alone in my room. Now, I see my friends multiple times a week for only $89 d…

How I Imagine My Moving Day Will Go I wake up earlier than usual, fresh-faced and ready to take on the day. I did not spend the entire night tossing and turning, kept up by anxious dreams in which the movers arrived late, the previous tenets in my new place decided they actually didn’t want to move out, and the box filled with all of my precious family heirlooms was struck by ligh…

Common Proverbs as Video Game Tutorials Looks like you waited too long to strike. Remember, the iron has to be nice and hot before you swing that hammer. Let’s try it again. – – – Once an Apple has fallen, you will see it on the ground nearby the Tree from which it dropped. – – – Rome is a special area that requires the use of Boost to get around. See those Romans over there? Use Boos…

We Invent Bullshit Words to Get You to Buy All-New Outdoor Equipment Introducing CarbonCore BoroTex with GroundToClouds Terra-Teflon Technology. What’s it mean? It means if you don’t have it, you’re not ReallyOutdoors. It’s finally here, even though we can’t describe what this bullshit really is. We’re kidding, totally fucking around with you; we can tell you exactly what it is. It’s an uncompromising flex that w…

How to Defuse a Bomb, According to My Mother Okay, sweetie, just stay calm and don’t panic. I SAID DON’T PANIC. You’re making me nervous. Now, to do this the RIGHT way, we need a portable X-ray unit. Of course, your father always forgets the portable X-ray unit. He remembers the dog’s birthday. He remembers to refill the hummingbird feeder. He remembers the name of every horse in every Wes…

Congratulations on Your New Academic Position of Assistant Professor of Annual Reviews, Merit Reviews, Peer Reviews, Student Evaluations, Tenure Review, Post-Tenure Review, and Welcome to our faculty. We have recently changed our titling norms to more accurately reflect how you will allocate your time. We will conduct the merit review process approximately seventeen days after your first day on contract, so make those days productive. Merit reviews generally turn into a friendly departmental competition in which facult…

Welcome to Mary Oliver Garden Welcome to Mary Oliver Garden, home of Italian-adjacent cuisine and poignant observations about the human condition as it intersects with the natural world. As you can tell from our name, we invite you to step across the threshold of ordinary life into a world of exquisite writing, spiritual luminescence, and fried lasagna. My name is Blair, and…

Increasingly Wild Fantasies in Which My Wife Burns with Desire for My Obstructive Sleep Apnea I awake to my wife hovering over me in bed. She says she loves to watch her prince in slumber, especially when I stop breathing and then gasp like an injured goose. She purrs that she could spend all night adoring my smacking mouth, the drool escaping my slack jaw, and the way my neck turns like I’m trying not to get splashed by something. She’s…

Common Workplace Expressions That Are Actually Quite Problematic “Divide and conquer.” “War room.” “Crack the whip.” “Let’s drill our vertical bores into sacred Native American land and leak noxious fossil gases into the atmosphere.” “We as a company must come together to sweep any human rights abuses under the rug so that our CEO, a powerful figure of corruption and sin, can continue hiding his illegal incom…

An Open Letter to the Pair of Gen-Z Men in the Northeast Regional Quiet Car Loudly Discussing Pitchfork’s 100 Best Albums of All Time Gentlemen, Your opinions on the discography of the last fifty years interests me about as much as you think it does a middle-aged woman traveling coach to Boston with a L.L. Bean boat tote filled with crackers. I read mild. I read invisible. I read that probably all I listen to is “Ripple” by the Grateful Dead. It’s easy to assume that I don’t k…

You Must Teach This New Curriculum with Fidelity Good morning! Oh, come on, we can do better than that! I said, “Good morning!” That’s more like it. Thank you for joining me today for this workshop on implementing ReadingMath123ABC, an innovative, comprehensive curriculum your school district purchased for $250,000 based on one website’s positive review. When ReadingMath123ABC’s 140 lessons ar…