Mike Pence on That Time When the Insurrectionists Wanted to Hang Him On the campaign trail, I get asked a lot of awkward questions: “How did it feel when Trump’s supporters wanted to hang you?”; “What was your plan if they started to hang you?”; “Did you not get in the Secret Service’s car because you worried they’d take you somewhere they could string you up?”; “If it had to happen, what did you want to be hange…

Using the Phenomenology of Farts to Teach My Son About Racism My son is ten, and recently he asked me something about racism. And in the middle of it, he farted. “Dad, with racism, are there like, y’know, different typ—BRRRRRrrrrRRRRppp.” Breaker of winds, first of his name, my son has no self-consciousness about producing some natural energy. For him, the sound of flatus rippling flesh is a precious gift,…

Who I Become After Squeezing a Single Lemon into My Glass of Water The faucet fills my glass with water, but I don’t dare take a sip yet. As I squeeze the lemon into my drink, I mentally levitate. It’s true that I am now earthier and less judgmental. With just one sip of lemon water, I feel myself become effortlessly radiant. I skip my morning coffee because I’m high on vitamin C. My body is detoxing, and I fee…

Welcoming Remarks Made at a Literary Reading, 9/25/01 Every year, we wonder what might be appropriate on this day, and we can never think of anything more appropriate than this piece, which John Hodgman originally delivered at a literary reading shortly after September 11, 2001. – – – Good evening. My name is John Hodgman. I am a former professional literary agent, which on a good day is a pretty s…

My Saturday Self Versus My Sunday Self Saturday: I sleep for seven restful hours and am gently awakened by the warmth of the rising sun. The world is full of promise. Sunday: I sleep for thirteen REM-less hours and jolt awake to my air raid siren alarm. Nothing to do but hunker down and brace for Monday, because the weekend is basically over, as is life itself. – – – Saturday: I take…

Universally Acknowledged Truths for High School Teachers It is a truth universally acknowledged that a teacher in possession of one hundred essays to grade must be in want of a new season of Bridgerton to binge. It is a truth universally acknowledged that a student you gave a pencil to yesterday in possession of a perfectly functional pencil case must be in want of a pencil. It is a truth universally …

For Just Forty Hours a Week of Intense Work Outside Your Full-Time Job, You Too Can Make Passive Income Are you tired of not being rich? Do you want to make thousands of extra dollars every month without breaking a sweat? Great news: all you need to do is commit an extra forty to fifty hours a week to intense work outside your full-time job, and you, too, can make passive income. I know, I know: it sounds too good to be true. At first, I couldn’t …

Loki Throws a Toga Party Art by Matt Smith – – – So now Loki’s stahtin’ tah feel a bit down n’ all since Odin keeps givin’ him shit fah r’all his vahrious fuck-ups. N’ I mean, it’s not like he doesn’t desehrve it on some level since he keeps doin’ shit like givin’ bihrth tah wolves that ahr eventually gonnah eat Odin alive. But you know how Odin is, he isn’t the most la…

Types of Acting Still Permitted Under SAG-AFTRA’s Strike Rules Listening to the waiter tell you about the specials even though you picked out your entire meal online on the way to the restaurant. Opening a gift you already own. Opening a gift that you don’t want to own. Hearing gossip “for the first time” that you actually already knew about. Telling your friend that you like their new boyfriend. Saying, “R…

Plato’s Cave Regrets to Inform You It Will Be Raising Its Rent To all inhabitants of Plato’s Cave, If you are receiving this letter, it means you have been designated a tenant of the cave—i.e., you are chained to the wall, you are forced to watch shadows for all eternity, you are projecting said shadow puppets, and/or you are a philosopher who was able to break free and understand the true shackles of reali…

Welcome to Your Menopausal Vagina Congratulations, you have officially leveled up to menopause. You might be feeling anxious about the many ways that your body is changing, especially your vagina. But rest assured that even though the bloom may be off the rose, your flower is not yet withered. Lean down and take an open and honest look at your maturing vagina. What do you see? H…

Our Self-Driving Cars Will Save Countless Lives, But They Will Kill Some of You First I’m going to say something you wouldn’t expect from the CEO of a car company: America’s roads are a warzone. Over 40,000 traffic fatalities in 2021. Millions of car accidents per year. Our streets and highways are dangerous, and it’s clear that the current system isn’t working. Years of preventable tragedies inspired me to start this company, an…

McSweeney’s Books: An Excerpt from Daddy Boy by Emerson Whitney – – – Daddy Boy follows Emerson as he packs into a van full of strangers and drives up and down the country—staying in Days Inns, eating bags of carrots from Walmart, and wanting nothing more than to surrender to the force of a colossal storm. “We had no idea where we were going,” Emerson writes, “just waiting for one cloud to pop.” Roaming the …

Sleep Tips for New Parents from the Sleep Paralysis Demon Congratulations on your new offspring. I’ve been preparing for this ever since you started waking up to pee every hour. Are you getting tons of sleep advice but no actual sleep? I’m here to help. Trust me, no one is more invested in getting you the rest you need than me, your sleep paralysis demon. I know you’re not the biggest fan of lying immo…

An Honest Guide to Your New Inflatable Standup Paddleboard 1. Check the receipt for your new inflatable standup paddleboard. It’s been six months since you ordered it after drunkenly scrolling your ex-coworker Brittney’s Instagram feed, which is full of majestic outdoor photos. You are way past the return window, so you might as well actually try it at this point. 2. Open the box that has been gathering…

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Are You an Exhausted Parent of Small Children or a Common Raccoon? 1. You have dark circles around your eyes. 2. You look absolutely feral when caught off guard by flash photography. 3. Your behavior is unpredictable, and you could become unexpectedly aggressive at any moment. 4. You are a mostly solitary creature, but sometimes you band together with sex-specific social groups, because it’s the only way you’ll…

I, Kitty Bennett, Have Fallen for a Man Who Busted Out the Splits on the Dance Floor Dearest Lydia, It is a truth universally acknowledged that a gentleman is never more attractive than when he drops his exquisitely toned posterior down, on beat, and into the splits. With one’s four elder sisters married to three strappingly mutton-chopped men and one pianoforte, I shall admit regretting the time I’ve spent yearning for companio…

Reviews of New Food: Trader Joe’s Tiny Fruity Cuties Like many ’90s kids, I lusted after the panoply of colorful, sugary cereals that were marketed to us in a never-ending parade of cartoon mascots, box-top sweepstakes, and jingles so catchy that, to this day, I remember them more vividly than anything I learned in graduate school. But my mom wasn’t keen on me starting my days with enough sugar to…

Welcome to Your Benevolent King’s Bottomless Pit Greetings! If you’re reading this semi-legible note, it means that you’ve royally ticked off King Stenkill the Merciless, and you now find yourself falling at a maximum speed of two hundred miles per hour. As the self-elected mayor and official greeter of this bottomless pit, let me be the first to say welcome to your new home. Rest assured that…