The Faculty Mental Health Fair Has Been Postponed Again Dear Faculty: Due to concerns expressed by the students, parents, and staff, you are invited to attend a mandatory emergency mental health fair in the amphitheater on Friday at 4:15 p.m. Faculty will enjoy complimentary cotton candy, popcorn, and balloons while roving jugglers and mariachis provide entertainment. Renowned motivational speaker Ch…

Thanks to a Generous Donation, the United States Supreme Court Will Be Renamed the Koch Center for Justice “ Thomas has attended at least two Koch donor summits, putting him in the extraordinary position of having helped a political network that has brought multiple cases before the Supreme Court.” — ProPublica, 9/22/23 – – – The Supreme Court is a venerated institution that, since 1789, has been the highest court in the United…

What I’ll Do with the One Week I Can Wear My Sensible Fall Jacket When the Hunter’s Moon approaches… When the flowers begin to wilt with chill… When the coffee shops begin unveiling new and exciting lattes… That’s how I’ll know it’s the one week of the year it’s seasonally appropriate for me to wear my Sensible Fall Jacket. I’ll claw my way to the back of my closet, past my Sensible Winter Snow Pants, my Sensi…

It’s Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers Originally published October 9, 2009. – – – I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some fucking gourds and arrange them in a horn-shaped basket on my dining room table. That shit is going to look so seasonal. I’m about to head up to the attic right now to find that wicker fucker, dust it off, and jam it with an insanely orna…

Welcome to Rosalita’s Boarding House for Girls and Women Rescued by Bruce Springsteen from Dead-End Small Towns Hello, , and welcome to Rosalita’s. No doubt you were brought here because Bruce Springsteen wrote an incredible song whose sole purpose was to convince you to

Things That Count as Writing Jotting down some ideas? That counts as writing, since brainstorming is an essential part of the writing process. Taking a shower or bath? That’s letting your unconscious brain do some work, so it definitely counts as writing. A long walk? Yes, same as above, totally counts as writing. Attempting to locate a pen that actually writes? That’s pre-…

Take Us to Your Leader, the One They Call Jake from State Farm Greetings, Earth farmer. We come in peace. Take us to your leader, the one they call Jake from State Farm. Snake farm? This is not State Farm? Dammit, Todd, I told you to use Google Maps. Where is State Farm? Take us to State Farm. What do you mean State Farm is not a farm? Then why would they call it State Farm? What is insurance? That sounds l…

New York Times’ Connections, Toddler Edition Click puzzle for the solution.

Let’s Sell Your Basic House for More Than a Million Goddamn Dollars Folks, I’ve got three questions for you… What do you mean “how did I get in here”? I’ll ask the questions, sir. I opened the door. But I didn’t open the door to your house; I opened the door to a goddamn financial windfall. Speaking of the door, PAINT IT SUPER FUCKING BRIGHT RED. You both look shocked, so I’m gonna be a little bit flexible here:…

Our Docuseries Horrible Person Sheds an Important Light on Our Streaming Service’s True Crime Offerings There are so many terrible things happening in the world today—things that the public deserves to know about. We feel it’s our duty to tell eye-catching, high-production-value stories about those terrible things. That’s why we’re pleased to announce our new prestige docuseries, Horrible Person, which serves a vital purpose—raising awareness of o…

A Review by the Couple That Only Rented This Airbnb to Bang We had a lovely stay at Josh and Brandon’s cozy mountain cottage. Our hosts included many thoughtful touches that made the place really feel like a home away from home. We just had a few things we’d like to note for future travelers considering booking this place. The bed frame could be sturdier. The kitchen counter could be sturdier. The patio …

Who Made This Hummus? Elaine, did you make this hummus? No. It’s really good. Okay, but I didn’t make it. – – – David, did you make this hummus? Nope. Well, who did? I don’t know. I just want to compliment the person who made the hummus, but no one will tell me who made it. I wish I could tell you who made it so you’d shut up about it. I’ll shut up about it when I ge…

If People in Other Professions Talked About Their Jobs Like Poets Talk About Poetry I am the fire that I fight. You don’t craft customized soap bars made from organic goat’s milk because you want to craft customized soap bars made from organic goat’s milk; you craft customized soap bars made from organic goat’s milk because you have something to say. Being a librarian is an act of peace. Administering medication to elderly pati…

Son, You’re Old Enough to Know the Truth, There is No Such Thing as the “Invisible Hand of the Market” Son, you’re eight years old now, and you’ll probably hear this soon enough from the other kids on the playground anyway, so I might as well tell you. Santa isn’t real, the Tooth Fairy is imaginary, and there’s no such thing as the “invisible hand of the market.” Why did your mother and I lie to you? Well, we didn’t so much lie to you as tell you…

Knight of the Round Table or Involuntary Grunting Noise I Make Getting Up from a Deep Chair? 1. Agravain! 2. Aglovale! 3. Bagdemagus! 4. Chuffachoo! 5. Lancelot! 6. Galahad! 7. Sagramore! 8. Oompazaz! 9. Dinadan! 10. Esclabor! 11. Caradoc! 12. Ungtchypow! 13. Lamorak! 14. Huggadog! 15. Gingalain! 16. Segwarides! – – – Knight: 1, 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 13, 14, 15Noise: 4, 8, 12Both: 16

I Am the Lord Your God, and I Want You to Know That I Invented Boners Hear ye, My disciples, for I speak upon you a great truth: It has come to My understanding that many of you who would love Me do not understand My true and fearsome nature. And so I say to you thusly: I, your God, the one true God, invented boners. Verily, I speak it unto you. Every great big massive hard-on to the tiniest little tinge of hornin…

Our Kitchen Renovation, Which We Started Five and a Half Years Ago, Is Back On Track When we first met Richard Ballard of Ballard Design & Construction, my wife and I were incredibly excited to get started on a kitchen renovation. After we saw how prompt and professional Richard was in returning a comprehensive estimate, we knew he was the general contractor we wanted to work with. He had every detail covered, from the height of…

Lauren Boebert Gets Kicked Out of the Musical “Beetlejuice”: The Musical “U.S. Representative Lauren Boebert was escorted out of a Sunday night performance of the ‘Beetlejuice’ musical in downtown Denver, accused by venue officials of vaping, singing, recording and ‘causing a disturbance’ during the performance.” — The Denver Post – – – (The curtain rises on the Buell Theatre, Denver. We see the AUDIENCE on stage, s…

Short Conversations with Poets: Elisa Gonzalez There’s a raw and sinewy energy to Elisa Gonzalez’s line. Her debut collection, Grand Tour, clarified and found its final form in the years after her brother was shot to death. So it is a first book and also a shattered elegy, an announcement and an aftermath, by turns impassioned and dispassionate as it registers grief in many forms. It begins …

We Are Thrilled to Announce We Have Invented Portals, but Are Saddened to Reveal They Suck We, the computer scientists and engineers of this nation, are pleased to announce that we have invented actual, real-life portals. However, we are saddened to announce that they are fucking horrible. We’ve built hundreds of variations of these things, and we promise none are cool. Rent-payment portals, student portals, health insurance portals—j…