Taking a Bubble Bath: Fantasy vs. Reality Setting Fantasy: My bathroom is four thousand square feet and bursting with natural sunlight. It overlooks my personal botanical garden, overflowing with exotic, lush plants. My vintage clawfoot bathtub is pristine and pairs perfectly with the art deco aesthetic of my entire high-rise penthouse, just as Nate Berkus planned when he designed it. R…

I Am Still Scrolling and Would Like Very Much to Stop Feeling Things I have not stopped scrolling. Kids in cages, irreversible climate change, fighting in Ukraine, the Capitol insurrection, state violence against minorities, poisoned water supplies, corrupt police, rising fascism, voter suppression—I’ve scrolled past it all, for years, and have not stopped. Not meaningfully, anyway. At this point, I have only one…

Reviews of New Food: Eggo Brunch in a Jar Sippin’ Cream As a parent, my mornings are spent trying to appease my children’s finicky and inconsistent food preferences, digging mashed, soggy Cheerios out of carpeting, and overriding the time controls on the kids’ tablets over and over again as my wife and I attempt to eke out a moment of rest. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children. But I miss easing in…

Alternatives to Girl Math “A new personal finance trend has TikTok users recommending humorous new ways to rethink their spending habits. We’ve all justified unnecessary purchases before, but now social media has labeled the habit as ‘girl math.’” — CBS News – – – US Government Math If you run out of money, print more. Hollywood CEO Math If you spend $50 million on one …

Well, I May Have Debased Myself to Become Speaker of the House, but At Least I Didn’t Accomplish Anything “House Speaker Kevin McCarthy was ousted from his leadership position in a historic vote on Tuesday after a far-right revolt over his reliance on Democrats to pass funding to avert a government shutdown.” — CBS News – – – When I was elected Speaker of the House, the smarmy media class and the Democrats were delighted to point out just how convol…

Short Conversations with Poets: Cathy Park Hong Cathy Park Hong’s first book, Translating Mo’Um, made poetry out of a representation of Asian American life that skewers the exoticizing currents in American culture while, at the same time, ironizing and breathing life into the twisting singularities of dialect like few other living poets. “Translating,” in this sense, is what Hong’s work has a…

Lady, I Don’t Care How Good the Food Is, You Cannot Have an Orgasm in This Restaurant Katz’s Deli has been serving New Yorkers our delicious food for over a hundred years. As the general manager for the last twenty of those years, I’ve seen my fair share of odd customers. And it goes without saying that we welcome people of every race, creed, and sexual orientation to come sit and dine with us at any time. Even so, we still have …

Due to Falling Enrollments, We Will No Longer Offer Courses in Romulan at Starfleet Academy Stardate 59963.2 Welcome to a new school year. In the coming days, a cohort of cadets will begin arriving on campus, and I look forward to continuing our centuries-long tradition of preparing students to explore strange new worlds, seek out new life and new civilizations, and boldly go where no one has gone before. There was much positive news f…

I Am a Dainty Little Rings Person Now Attention, everyone! I have decided to start wearing dainty little rings. For those wondering, “How many dainty little rings? How many fingers?” I am excited to announce the answer is multiple fingers across both hands. Currently, I am up to three total dainty little rings: the middle and pointer fingers of my left hand and the middle finger of …

Thank You for Submitting Your Homeless Shelter Application, but We’ve Decided to Use City Funds for Thirty-Five New Pickleball Courts Instead Thank you for submitting your grant application for a homelessness shelter expansion. We received many competitive proposals, including yours. With the limited funds available, we were forced to make some difficult decisions. Consequently, the city’s budget committee has not recommended the shelter expansion project in lieu of creating thirty-fi…

If Burger King’s Jingle “Whopper Whopper” Were the Only Literary Form If you aren’t familiar with the tune, here it is, but be warned, it will be droning on in your head for the rest of the day. – – – “‘Hope’ is the thing with feathers” by Emily Dickinson Hopey, hopey, hopey, hopey, Feathered thing when I am mopey, Perched in my soul—man, I hope she Never stops singing at all! Sweetest in the gale is heard, Not e…

I’m Your Three-Year-Old Interior Designer and This Is Your New Home Makeover So, what do you think? Never in your wildest dreams, right? It’s hard to know where to begin, because the house is almost unrecognizable, but let me show you around. You won’t believe what I’ve done to the place. I really wanted the living room to come alive, so I reimagined this couch as a precariously balanced cushion fort. Not only does it ad…

Job Posting: Lead Bro for Vivek Ramaswamy’s Campaign Job Summary The Vivek Ramaswamy campaign for US President seeks a red-blooded, Ford-driving, Bud Light-drinking, Bass Pro Shops hat-wearing American who is cool with being yelled at all the time. As Lead Bro, your primary role will be to make sure that Vivek stops getting called “annoying” by the media and everyone he went to college with. “Stra…

A Template for Right-Wingers Upset with Taylor Swift I can’t believe that Taylor Swift is . Taylor Swift’s popularity is clearly a sign of societal decline because she doesn’t embrace my

McSweeney’s Books: A Conversation with Dave Eggers About His Book, The Eyes and the Impossible Dave Eggers’s latest book, The Eyes and the Impossible, is the story of a dog named Johannes. Johannes is a free dog, a fast dog—such a fast dog! He lives in an urban park by the sea, and every day, he runs through the park, seeing all, missing nothing, and reporting what he sees to the park’s three ancient Bison, the Keepers of the Equilibrium….

Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One with Reagan’s Ghost 2024 REPUBLICAN 2nd GOP PRIMARY DEBATESIMI VALLEY, CALIFORNIASEPTEMBER 27, 2023 – – – 9:00 PM: Fox Business host Stuart Varney welcomes the audience. “I’m Stuart Varney, my British accent makes tonight’s disgust toward working people and minorities sound intelligent. I’m thrilled to be here with my co-moderators, Dana Perino, who is contractuall…

The Geriatric Pregnancy Hero’s Journey 1. Positive Pregnancy Test The Geriatric Pregnancy Hero is over thirty-five and ready to embark on this adventure. She’s armed with a healthy lifestyle, a jar of Kirkland Signature prenatal multivitamins, and the statistic that older moms are more likely to live longer. 2. Meeting with the Doctor At this point, the Hero will seek advice from t…

Short Conversations with Poets: Ben Lerner Ben Lerner’s first book of poems in thirteen years, The Lights, gathers several kinds of lines and sets them talking to one another, several styles intertwined so that the play of forms itself is a poem. One form—one thread—is the waterfalls of prose, unparagraphed and sometimes covering several pages. Another thread consists of shorter lines, t…

Just to Confirm, We’re All Still Wearing Shorts Tonight, Right? Hey, bud. I’m just checking in to see if everyone’s still wearing shorts to dinner later. I distinctly remember us all agreeing tonight would be way too hot for pants. So in case you were wondering, I’m still 100 percent committed to that pact. – – – The forecast is holding firm at ninety-three degrees between 7 and 8 p.m. Definitely shorts weat…

Seeking Representation for My Unbannable Book Dear Literary Agent — As you know, it’s a tough time in the publishing industry right now. Concerned citizens are demanding that certain books be pulled from school and public libraries, and it seems no writer knows which books will be left on the shelf for children to read. Except for me. I am seeking representation for my work in progress, whi…