Hall & Oates Songs Rewritten for Being a Woman in New York City in Your Twenties “Sara, You Should Smile More” Baby hair with a woman’s eyes (but not in a creepy way) You can feel me watching you in the night All alone with me and we’re waiting for your Uber (his name is Derek—4.93 stars) Sara, you should smile more Oh, won’t you smile until your Uber arrives, Sara If you feel like leaving, you know you can go take the E But…

This Core Workout Will Make Your Abs Ponder the Futility of Believing in God Listen up, core-heads. Are you ready to get shready? Because this insane lower torso circuit is guaranteed to DESTROY your abs by forcing them to recognize how infinitesimally small they are compared to the vast, lonely expanse of the universe. Just as dark matter dominates the endless nightmare of stilted space, this workout will dominate your …

As CEO of BattleBots, I Assure You There’s Almost No Danger of the Robots Becoming Self-Aware and Killing Us It’s almost robot fightin’ time again, folks! Of course, I’m more excited than anybody to be going into our twentieth (!!!) season of sparks flying, parts exploding, and essentially no danger of the robots becoming fully self-aware and brutally murdering us all. While, yes, given recent technological advancements, it’s somewhat logical to ponder…

Short Conversations with Poets: Robyn Schiff Robyn Schiff’s work has long demonstrated that American poetry can be both ornamental and discursive, both formally inventive and intimate. But the intimacy, in her latest, is woven more explicitly—and even more movingly—into the history and science that have long been the stuff of her métier. Information Desk is described as an epic. It takes i…

Rom-Com Titles That Also Work for Horror Movies Knocked Up Rosemary’s Baby Must Love Dogs Cujo You’ve Got Mail Zodiac Confessions of a Shopaholic American Psycho How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days The Shining 13 Going On 30 It Serendipity Final Destination Enchanted The Exorcist 27 Dresses Midsommar About a Boy The Omen The 40-Year-Old Virgin The Wicker Man He’s Just Not That Into You Saw

Sure, Trump Is an Authoritarian Grifter, but at Least He’s Three Years Younger Than Biden As I sit here in every midwestern diner eating my chicken fried steak and mashed potatoes while drinking a non-woke beer, I have to shoo away the New York Times and Washington Post reporters hanging on my every word. The media elites recognize the real power of the American electorate is centered here in this crude high school art class version …

We’re Scrapping Our Gen Ed Model in Favor of Survival Skills Training Dear Colleagues, The University will soon announce plans to overhaul the gen ed program recently adopted by the Faculty Senate. The new program, which emphasizes post-apocalyptic survival skills rather than traditional academic content, will be implemented fall semester. We remain hopeful this is not too late. We realize this may seem like an ab…

So, You Assume I Do Not Know of the Wide-Leg Jean? You, step forth. What is this… jean… you wear about your waist, child? A “’90s Crop”? Is that really what they call it now? You dare speak of the Wide-Leg jean? You think I do not know their secrets, their deep magicks, their bountiful pockets? You dare, even, to don them in my presence? Ha! The youth mocks me with my own image. It was I whose j…

What Do We Want…? –What do we want?! –WAGES. –When do we want them?! –NOW. –What do we need?! –BATHROOMS. –When do we need them? –NOW. –Now, as in “without any further delay in negotiations” or now, as in “right this minute”? –NOW, AS IN RIGHT THIS MINUTE. –Is it an emergency? –YES. –One or two? –POOPING. –And we really can’t hold it? –NO. –Why didn’t we go earli…

I Cannot Believe You Heartlessly Threw Away the Sixteenth Craft I Brought Home from Preschool This Week While on my way to dispose of a breakfast of which I only took three bites, I noticed something that has broken my heart: The sixteenth craft I made at preschool this week, stuffed into the garbage beneath a layer of yesterday’s trash as if I wouldn’t find it. No, not the one with the blue crayon circles. Also, no, not the paint handprints that …

Sure You Can Regulate My Uterus, But You’ll Have to Find it First Where’s my uterus? Wouldn’t you like to know. I’ll give you a clue. Last week my uterus was in one of the undisclosed locations where DICK CHENEY USED TO HIDE. But it’s not there anymore, SUCKERS. What’s that? You want to know what’s inside my uterus? Well, I hope you have a portable sonogram machine that works with a generator, because if you w…

For My Next Death-Defying Stunt, I Will Walk Across This Crosswalk Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves. For horror. For excitement. For a spine-tingling journey straight through the heart of hell, where all it takes is one mistake, one misstep, or one unhinged motorist barreling toward the Taco Bell drive-thru to send me hurtling into the abyss, never to be seen again! Prepare yourselves for my next death-…

Bonnie Raitt or a Paranoid Recluse Talking to His Cat? 1. People are talkin’ 2. Talkin’ ’bout PEOPLE 3. I hear ’em whisperin’ 4. You won’t believe it 5. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm 6. They think we’re lovers… kept undercover 7. Uh-huh 8. I’ll just ignore it 9. But they keep sayin’ 10 twang twang twang guitar noise 11. Maybe they’re seein’… somethin’ we don’t? 12. Darlin’ 13. Let’s give ’em something to talk …

I’m Eliza Doolittle, and I’ve Made a Huge Mistake As a British woman in the Edwardian era, I have to admit that at times I’ve been swept up in fantasies of Gilded Age splendor. Perhaps it was the allure of evening gowns and perfumed parlors that led me to Henry Higgins’s door for speech classes. It was certainly what made me stay. But tonight, choked to the gills in Parisian satins, I can’t hel…

Short Conversations with Poets: Jesse Nathan The first thing one notices when one reads a Jesse Nathan poem is: one’s body humming along to the music of his words. How does such a thing work? It’s the sound patterns—rhyme, inner rhyme, alliteration, assonance—yes, but it’s also how the poet uses the sound patterns on the line-by-line level, and as connective tissue between different poems,…

My Inner Monologue When I Listen to Live Jazz Oh man, good for me. Look at me! I am listening to jazz. Here I am, just taking in the moment. Fully present. Just me and the music. Yup yup yup yup yup. Completely immersed. Thinking about nothing else. The rhythm. The musicality. The syncopation. Is that the right word? “Syncopation”? That’s a jazz thing? Sync-o-pate sync-o-pate sync-o-pate. O…

As a Corporation, I Support Socialism as Long as It’s for Me, But Not Everyone Who Works for Me As a conglomerate entity, which the Fourteenth Amendment clearly defines as a singular person, I would like to cast my vote for socialism. For me. But not for everyone who works for me. The system I support is quite clear. If I drop the proverbial ball, it should be at your cost. If I’m straight up ballin’ for a whole quarter, I receive the full…

Questionable Five-Star Customer Reviews of Mythological Objects “As many as 30 percent to 40 percent of online reviews are fabricated or otherwise not genuine…” — The Washington Post – – – The Trojan Horse Best brought inside impregnable outer walls Thought it was a scam, but once we brought it inside our impregnable outer walls we really began to receive favor from Poseidon. Great Horse Shipped fully asse…

After Having Your Baby Is a Terrible Idea Oh, so you’re planning to be a mom once your baby is born? Ha! More like a . You might think that is best for your kid, but

A Brief Overview of the Sámi Presence in Viking-Age Scandinavia for Bostonians Art by Matt Smith – – – So now what yah got tah undahstand is that no one even knew where Sweden n’ Nahway n’ Finland n’ Russia ended back in the Viking days ‘cause back in those days those fuckin’ countries didn’t even prahpahly exist yet! Which actually sounds pretty good in Russia’s case right now, but at any rate all it was was just a bunch’…