I Wished on a Monkey’s Paw and Now We’re Stuck with Biden vs. Trump Forever October 2084 It’s time to confess. It’s my fault that every presidential election for the past sixty-four years has been Biden vs. Trump. It started back in 2020. I was wandering masked and alone through an abandoned Costco parking lot, hoping to find a discarded packet of yeast, and consumed with worry about the possibility of Trump winning a s…

The Dad from Hocus Pocus Wants to Know What the Fuck Happened to His House Son, I’m trying my best not to lose my temper here, but it’s tough when there’s a hole the size of a Ford Taurus in our roof and no logical explanation for how it got there. So I’ll ask you one more time, and don’t give me any more of that witch crap. What the fuck happened to our house? As far as your mother and I are concerned, last night was …

Our City’s New Initiative Will End Homelessness by Calling It Something Else The housing crisis in our city is reaching a breaking point. Something has to be done to help the struggling members of our community, which is why we, the city’s appointed housing task force, are announcing a plan to eliminate homelessness entirely. Through our bold, new initiative, we plan to end homelessness in our city by calling it somethin…

The Problem Is the Human Finger “At the end of the day, the problem is the human heart. It’s not guns. It’s not the weapons.” — Speaker of the House Mike Johnson – – – The problem is the human finger. Fingers are too well-engineered to fit around the trigger of an assault weapon. On other planets, life forms have fingers with no joints that are only straight. You don’t hear ab…

This Ghost Is Haunting Me Weird How did you sleep last night? Not great, honestly. How come? Look, I wasn’t going to tell you, Holly, because I know you get freaked out by this stuff, but I saw a ghost in our bedroom. Oh my god. I told you we shouldn’t have moved into this old house, Greg. I know. She just appeared out of nowhere and was, like, trying to teach me Spanish for a…

A Mile-Long Footpath Through Field and Wood Somewhere North of Cambridge, England To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today we reconnect with globe-trotting, pint-drinking Kevin Dolgin, who wrote a travel column about out-of-the-way places for this site from 2000 to 2011. – – – I was recently…

I Don’t Care if It’s Ninety Degrees, It’s Fall and I’m Wearing a Damn Sweater Hello there. Happy Halloween. I see you’ve noticed I’m wearing a sweater. Yes, I realize it’s ninety degrees, but I do not care. It is late October—the height of sweater season. And even though climate change has rendered this traditionally crisp time of year sickeningly humid, I will wear this sweater. Yes, I am extremely uncomfortable. No, I w…

Sex Ed in Florida is Now Just a Video of Ron DeSantis Playing the “Lime in the Coconut” Song on the Bongos “Florida schools are not required to teach sex education. However, they are required to teach health education that includes instruction on ‘the consequences of teenage pregnancy.’” — Sex Ed for Social Change – – – Good morning, class. This week kicks off our sex ed module. It also ends our sex ed module. Governor Ron DeSantis has decided that a…

So, You’ve Decided to Start Listening to Radiohead in Your Mid-Thirties Congratulations—the metamorphosis you didn’t know you needed has just begun. Whether you’ve stumbled upon OK Computer while drifting through a midlife crisis, or a forty-something coworker threw shade on your music playlist (again), it’s clear you’ve embarked on the pilgrimage into Radiohead’s dark, dreamy, and disorienting world. Welcome, aband…

A Letter to the Parents that Gave My Son Charlie a Bunch of Rocks for Halloween Fellow parents, I am so angry and drunk right now that I am shaking. This evening, our young son spent several unsupervised hours trick-or-treating while my husband and I got plastered at the Schroeder’s adults-only Halloween party. Upon arriving home, we found him bawling his eyes out over his disappointing candy haul. Apparently, while the oth…

Short Conversations with Poets: John Burnside John Burnside was born in 1955 and became a published poet almost by accident. For a while, he worked as software engineer. After long days—or in the midst of—crunching numbers and signs, he would write poems to allay the ennui. He sent a poem to a friend in publishing, who then asked to see a book—and published it without telling John. Since th…

I Love When the Leaves Turn Beautiful Colors and Fall to Their Deaths I love this time of year, when leaves change color and die right in front of me. Nothing prettier than a deceased leaf hanging from a tree in its final few moments on earth. It makes me want to wrap an oversized scarf around my neck and take a walk through the carnage. Stunning. What I like most in this season of decay is how cozy I feel in a sw…

For Your Crimes, You Have Been Sentenced to Unpaid Labor at a Pumpkin Patch You have been found guilty of being basic during the month of October. For your heinous act, you have been sentenced to a pumpkin patch, where you will consecutively serve one weekend a year, or possibly two or three weekends a year, in October, until you are eligible for parole. Before transport, you will dress yourself in such clothing as long…

We Must Give Equal Airtime to the Democratic Incumbent and the Guy Who Wants Everyone to Drink Their Own Piss Dear viewers, At our news network, we have received a number of complaints about our current political coverage. Some of you have insisted that we are sacrificing our journalistic integrity for views. That could not be further from the truth. We believe that in order to stay fair and balanced, we must give equal airtime to the incumbent Democrat…

Statement from the University on Current Tensions in the Place You’re Probably Thinking About When You Read This Dear Students, We are saddened by the tremendous loss of life in many of the places you’ve read about—you know the ones, we don’t need to name them here. The cost of human suffering by all the people who were affected by the thing that has happened in the place where it has happened is difficult to comprehend. Our hearts are with the people, all…

For Safety Reasons, Trick-or-Treating Will Not Be Held on Halloween This Year To keep our kids safe, there will be no trick-or-treating on Halloween this year. See below for alternate events and times in your area. Morris County A Trunk-or-Treat will be held in the parking lot behind St. Matthew’s Episcopal Church on Saturday, October 7, at 3 p.m. Jackson County Trick-or-Treating will be held (quietly!) in the stacks at …

Fragments from Speaker! The Musical To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today features the glorious return of Tendency legend Ben Greenman, who wrote several fake musicals for us between 2000 and 2012, many of which can be found here. Others can be…

Son, You Will Not Binge-Watch LOST—You’ll Watch One Episode a Week and Be Frustrated Like Mom and I Did It’s come to my attention that you’ve plowed through two seasons of LOST in five days. You think it’s “a pretty cool show,” and you’re probably going to finish it later this month. Well, that’s not going to happen, mister. You have just watched forty-nine episodes of endless mysteries where every “answer” leads only to more questions, and the fa…

Eleven Things You Will Never Hear an American Say on House Hunters International 1. “Oh, we don’t care about closets!” 2. “These steep Dutch stairs seem super safe.” 3. “We’re fine with a one-bedroom. No one will visit us in Paris.” 4. “Our kids don’t need a yard in Kyoto. Fuck ’em.” 5. “Ideally, we’d like a galley kitchen with one outlet and a hot plate.” 6. “No pets in this Munich apartment? That’s cool. We’ll leave the fa…

A Modern-Day Fan’s Notes To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. From 1999-2003 (and for parts of 2016), Jeff Johnson shared his weekly American football prognostications on this website. He recently started a funny Substack, NFL, Weakly, an…