Stephen Sondheim Dissects the Jardiance Jingle NOTE: If you need context, here’s the Jardiance jingle. We apologize in advance. – – – “I have type 2 diabetes, but I manage it well” Okay, we set the stage. This but that. Regret, uncertainty, loss. I’m drawn in. I want to know more about this person taking stock of her life. (Let’s call her Joanne.) But the opening words teeter awkwardly off…

The Funniest Superhero Movie and My Ragnarok Year To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today’s columnist, Mark Peters, was one of the winners of our 2013 Column Contest. In Best Joke Ever, he examined perfect jokes by masters of the form. We’re happy to welcome M…

I Prefer Naturally Beautiful Women Without Makeup Unlike some of the shallow, paleolithic men out there, I prefer a natural woman without makeup. Actual lashes instead of fake Muppet ones. Real skin instead of caked-on purple-glitter mush. Shredded cuticles and uneven nails chewed up from anxiety instead of pointy acrylics. Women should adhere to my sophisticated, progressive opinion. I don’t w…

Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One with All the War Mongering 2024 REPUBLICAN 3RD GOP PRIMARY DEBATEMIAMI, FLORIDANOVEMBER 8, 2023 – – – 8:01 PM: The debate begins with a more somber tone than previous debates, as the hot dog vendors and T-shirt cannons have been confined to the lobby and bathrooms. The moderators, Lester Holt, Kristen Welker, and Hugh Hewitt explain the rules for the evening: This will be…

A Letter from McSweeney’s Executive Director Dear reader, By scrolling through McSweeney’s humor website, you’re already an important part of what we do and why we’re here. Today, I’m inviting you to an even higher purpose. Will you please be part of the collective work (of many thousands) to sustain and grow our groundbreaking nonprofit literary arts programs, from Pulitzer Prize-recogniz…

This Week’s Punctuation Power Rankings 10. Curly Brackets (fancy brackets) Last week: 10 Calm down, Curly Brackets. You think you’re so fancy? Like you’re so much better than everyone else? And did I hear you would also like to be known as “Braces”? Oh, so you can separate yourself from the “other” brackets? Wow. Now, it totally makes sense that time you came back from spending a su…

Baby, You Know I’m Not Good at Math, but I Do Know That You + Me = Something Baby, you know I’m not a mathematician. You know that adding simple numbers isn’t something I can do. You know that subtracting simple numbers isn’t something I can do either. When we first met, I told you, baby, I didn’t understand quantum physics, regular physics, or how many a dozen is. And you laughed like you thought I was joking. And then …

Short Conversations with Poets: Safiya Sinclair If your encounter with these poems is anything like mine, the first thing you might experience is pure music: the thick stunning gorgeous sound at work in Safiya Sinclair’s writing. And then almost at the same time you might realize that the poems, which are often layerings of elaborations, lists, and collations, are also telling stories, making…

An Apology to the Other Parents at Our Kids’ Bus Stop for How Incredibly Boring I Am It’s somehow only day forty-seven of bus stop pickup duty. As I approach, I can see the wince behind your polite smile. I don’t blame you—I wouldn’t want to hang out with this trite, milquetoast version of me for the next three to twenty-six minutes, either. I don’t know what it is about you, an assemblage of perfectly kind moms and dads who hap…

A Concession Speech by a Candidate Who Just Lost to a Dog Mayor I want to start by saying thank you—for being here, for your dedication, and for your unwavering commitment to this campaign. It has been the honor of my lifetime that this beautiful town—one I’ve been proud to call home for forty-three years—would even consider me as mayor. Unfortunately, our movement has fallen short; the time has come for me …

Questions for Your PCP About Having COVID in 2023 Q: I’ve just learned I have COVID. Should I— A: Wait. Are you over seventy, and/or are you functioning without an immune system, and/or did you actually listen when we told you to get a booster? Q: Uh, no, no, and yes. A: Ah, you’re one of the boring COVID cases then. Go ahead. Ask your questions. Q: Basically, is there anything I need to do now…

Physics for Toddlers The Amelia Uncertainty Principle. As confidence in your toddler’s current shoe size increases, consistency in sizing across shoe manufacturers decreases. Alder’s Observation. A toddler in motion remains in motion. A toddler at rest will pee on itself. The Third Law of Theo Dynamics. If an object exceeds the temperature of 100 degrees Fahrenheit,…

Our Elevator Is Having Some Issues Dear Residents, While this elevator was being serviced yesterday, the emergency phone was inadvertently disabled. We are taping this note to the elevator to let you know that should you become trapped, you will not be able to call for help. We are working on getting this fixed. Thank you. —CoolWater Apartment Building Manager – – – Dear Resident…

You Have Reached the Turning-Thirty Helpline Thank you for calling the Turning-Thirty Helpline for People Having Big Feelings About Turning Thirty. We’re here to help you navigate the transition from your twenties to your thirties, and we promise not to wish you a happy birthday. Please listen closely as your menu options have recently changed. Press 1 if you relate less to “thirty, flirty…

Who’s in the Presidential Boy Band? To help celebrate our twenty-fifth year of being on the information superhighway, we have reached out to some of our favorite former columnists for check-ins and updates. Today’s returning columnist, Chris White, was one of the winners of our first-ever Column Contest in 2009. For Chris White Answers Profound Questions About the Presidents, he p…

The All-Time Best Moments from America’s Got Lettuce As America’s Got Lettuce ends its run, it’s the perfect time to look back at the contestant performances and judge reactions that made it the world’s top-rated show for thirty-seven consecutive seasons—and reminded us that, through it all, America does got lettuce. When the Mean Judge couldn’t help admitting, “You, ma’am, have got lettuce” to Li…

I’m the Owner of Your Town’s Mediocre Pizzeria, and There’s Nothing You Can Do About It Who doesn’t like good pizza? Delicious mozzarella that stretches as you pull the slice from your mouth. Sauce from the finest Roma tomatoes plucked from the storied shadows of Mount Vesuvius. Flavor-packed pepperoni cups, each like a salty little kiss from Santa Maria herself. There is simply no greater pleasure. Anyway, don’t expect that stuff …

Reasons Your Landlord Is Keeping Your Security Deposit The apartment felt too “lived in.” You hosted a Friendsgiving two years ago and didn’t invite him. You left a heartfelt thank you note on the counter that he was forced to clean up. The place felt weird with no stuff in it. You took the heart and soul of the place with you when you left. Your security deposit doesn’t even come close to covering …

What to Do When You Encounter Your Time-Traveling Future Self Welcome, Freshmen. As you embark on the most incredible adventure of your life, the staff and faculty of Nonspecific Southern California High School will be here for you every step of the way. NSCHS has a long tradition of fine education, sports, extracurricular activities, and a surprising history of students being visited by their time-traveli…

Announcing the Return of Our Column Contest To celebrate our twenty-fifth anniversary of online existence, we’re happy to announce the return of our Column Contest. We held this contest annually from 2009 to 2015 and published dozens of talented writers, like Casey Plett, Taylor Harris, Ali Fitzgerald, and Vinson Cunningham. We’re excited to read and post new work from captivating, divers…