Writer Math If you think a piece is 100 percent done, it’s actually 45 percent done. To get it to 100 percent done, you can’t. If you think you need “just a few more hours,” you really need a few more months. “I’ll send it by EOD”—no, the odds are 6-1 you won’t. 7-1. 17-1. “EOD” equals 5 p.m., 6 p.m., and 11:59 p.m., as well as 2 a.m., 8 a.m., 10 a.m., and …

McSweeney’s Books: An Interview with Sam Sax About Their New Book, Yr Dead – – – In August 2022 I received an email asking if I would like to read Sam Sax’s debut novel with an eye towards possibly becoming the book’s editor. I said yes immediately, and read Yr Dead later that day in a single sitting. The book, which takes place entirely in the span of time between when Ezra, the protagonist of the novel, lights themse…

The Boys Are Back in Town (for Johnny’s Funeral) With apologies to Thin Lizzy. – – – Guess who just got back today? Mothers, lock up your daughters, because after five long decades away raising our families and building careers of varying success, them wild-eyed boys are back in town to attend our dear friend Johnny’s funeral. It’s such a shame, and we all miss Johnny terribly. It’s wild to th…

What I Thought My Life Would Be Like After Decanting All My Spices into Mason Jars 1. My decision to spend sixteen dollars on these Mason jars would inevitably coincide with a sudden, inexplicable change in my personality, from someone who eats luncheon meat straight from the packet to someone who regularly uses fenugreek. 2. The twenty seconds I used to spend looking for the cumin, I would instead devote to loftier pursuits, …

We Are Not a “School”—We Are a Hospital System with a Football Team Dear valued faculty, In light of the recent budget cuts, the university administration thought it would be helpful to clarify a few things about our institution and our mission. We are not a “school.” We are a hospital system with a football team. We collect grants from the federal government, payouts from insurance companies, and licensing reve…

How to Roast Your Friend Just Enough That They’ll Want to Remain Your Friend In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. – – – Tick-tock: the bachelor or bachelorette or bachelorx party is approaching,…

An Open Letter to Wyna Liu, the New York Times’ Connections Editor Dear Wyna Liu, Editor of Connections: My morning ritual used to be a time of peace and solitude. A sacred time in which I’d gather up the energy to face the day. I’d brew my coffee and eat my smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel. And then I’d open up the New York Times Games App. I’d always start with the Spelling Bee. Personally, I like to find…

Your Son’s Transplant (to Brooklyn) Was Successful Mom, Dad, we just wanted to assure you that your trust-fund son’s transplant was a success. We weren’t too concerned—transplants to Brooklyn have a 98 percent success rate—but there can always be complications. A transplant can reject its new host city in the event of a few conditions: Doorman deficiency Pre-existing neighborhood culture Persis…

Famous Literary Quotes About Love Rewritten by a Woman Whose Friends Are All Getting Married and Having Children While She Is Taking an Introduction to Ceramics Class 1. “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a grad school stipend, must be in want of a ceramics class.” 2. “Shall I compare thee to my yoga classes? Thou art more messy and more expensive.” 3. “Doubt thou the kiln will fire. Doubt that the glaze doth take. Doubt that you will ever buy a home. But never doubt…

Is Reinstating a Misogynist 1864 Law Bad for Our Brand? “Meet the ‘pursuer of nubile young females’ who helped pass Arizona’s 1864 abortion law.” — Washington Post – – – We here at the GOP take values very seriously. We try to project a certain image to the public so that they’ll associate us with morality. So, it’s time for us to ask an important question. Is reinstating this misogynist 1864 law wri…

Chronicles of a Catsitter: My Human Went to “Greece” and Left Me with This Person Who Doesn’t Give Me Treats Mai Tran began catsitting in 2021 while Tran was on pandemic unemployment, often staying overnight in people’s homes. Tran has now cared for twenty-two cats and traveled to ten apartments all over New York City, observing the interior lives of cat owners and appeasing their neuroses. From home vet visits to black eyes to refugee cats, Chronicles…

Arizona Law from 1864, Law from Middle-earth, or Anti-Crime Code of Mega-City One from Judge Dredd? “The Arizona Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that a 160-year-old near-total abortion ban still on the books in the state is enforceable, a bombshell decision that adds the state to the growing lists of places where abortion care is effectively banned.” — NBC – – – 1. Property Statue 32: Successions of power must follow equal primogeniture, meaning t…

The Flu My Four-Year-Old Brought Home for Spring Break Addresses My Hope of Not Catching It Whaddup. It’s the flu your four-year-old brought home for spring break. Are you gonna let me in or what? You’re hoping I leave you alone? You booked a family trip to Wolf Lodge Water Park? The deposit is nonrefundable? Listen, I just KO’ed two dozen preschoolers like complimentary chips and dip at Casa Azteca, and now I want my entrée, capisce? …

Short Conversations with Poets: Callie Siskel Callie Siskel’s Two Minds is neither minimalist nor maximalist, but the spareness and efficiency speak volumes—and sometimes speak in long lines, sometimes short—making an art of saying as little as possible, but crucially no less. What’s left out presses upon what remains, and what remains is both substantial and hard as stone. Here’s the begin…

A Support Group for People Whose Friends Have Moved to Los Angeles Millennials mill around a circle of chairs and a coffee station. They settle into seats and begin the weekly meeting of people whose friends have all moved to Los Angeles. This group is known as “We Have Yearning (for Those Who Moved to) Los Angeles” or WHYLA. FACILITATOR KERRY: Good morning. Thank you all for coming—and for continuing to suppo…

I Am Your Thirty-Fourth Browser Tab, Begging You to Reopen Me My dearest one, my sweetheart, my everything, I call to you from the far right-hand side of the browser window. Well, not the far right-hand side, a little to the left of it, near the tab for “The Only Cheese Fondue Recipe You’ll Ever Need,” which is a white box with a red E in it—if you find that, go two to the left, and I’m here. Calling to yo…

Sorry Not Sorry: Stephen Colbert Found His Own Line with Kate Middleton A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. – – – Late last month, Stephen Colbert made an unusual statement on The Late Show. It wa…

Character in a Dystopian YA Novel or Homeopathic Remedy My Mom Gave Me That Didn’t Fucking Work? Allium Cepa A homeopathic remedy used to treat symptoms of the common cold and allergies. It would also work nicely as the name of a kind, older woman in a YA dystopian novel who is deathly allergic to scientifically backed medicine. Arnica A homeopathic remedy used to treat muscle aches. To be fair, this one kind of works. But for the love of G…

You Can Try Sample Questions from the New SATs or You Can Hit Yourself Over the Head Repeatedly with This Plumber’s Wrench You may have heard the news that high schoolers will have to take the SATs if they plan to attend college. The temporary break from standardized tests is over. The New York Times recently posted an interactive test featuring a few questions from the reading and writing section of the SATs. If you haven’t needed to take a standardized test for th…

An Excerpt from Eli Burnstein’s Dictionary of Fine Distinctions – – – Swamp or bog? Guilt or shame? Club soda or sparkling water? From food to fashion, ethics to architecture, there are thousands of words and ideas that we tend to collapse, conflate, or confuse. For hairsplitters and language lovers, Tendency contributor Eli Burnstein’s Dictionary of Fine Distinctions: Nuances, Niceties, and Subtle Shades of…