FAQ About Being Ghosted After Your Final Interview Q: I haven’t heard anything after my final interview. Who should I contact? A: Damn, that’s crazy. Wow. Q: How long will it take to hear back? A: It will take some time. (If you’re successful.) Q: And what if I’m unsuccessful? A: You will know if you’re unsuccessful. Q: How? A: You won’t be working here. Q: Well, yes, but won’t you be telling me…

Did You Even Consider Every Possible Lived Experience Before Recklessly Posting Your Chili Recipe on Social Media? Look, I get it. You thought what you posted was innocuous. Still, did you stop to think about everyone who has ever lived and how it could make them feel? I know, I know—all you did was share your chili recipe, but did you consider the people who don’t like chili? The people who are vegetarians? The people without tastebuds? The people who don’t…

Canadians Politely Decline Statehood “Trump threatens ‘economic force’ to make Canada ‘51st State’ after PM resignation.” — The Independent – – – America, you know Canada as your hat. We’d like to keep it that way. As you may be aware, Donald Trump has been flirting with illegal expansionist fantasies again. They include possibly invading Panama, taking over Greenland in some kind …

Are You a Waymo or a Woman? Do people doubt your driving abilities? A. Yes, I’m still earning trust as a new mode of transportation. B. Yes, I’m still up against long-held stereotypes and tired stand-up routines. Do strangers ever gawk at you or comment on your appearance? A. Yes, usually in response to my spinning parts and empty driver’s seat. B. Yes, but I’m told I s…

Short Conversations with Poets: Carol Moldaw One of the many pleasures of Carol Moldaw’s seventh collection, Go Figure, is its fidelity to description. “Bulbous ropes of kelp,” begins the poem “Northern California.” “Sandstone sea-break cliffs” and “A bluff of salt-pocked Monterey cypresses / twisted in the same configuration, like ’50s teens, / the boys, with windblown ducktail flattops.”…

The Second Trimester of Pregnancy, as Described to Women in Their First Trimester I know the first trimester sucks, but don’t worry—it gets better. You should really look forward to the second trimester. – – – In the second trimester, the nausea lifts. You won’t hate the smell of your husband’s breath. You’ll be able to enjoy all the foods you couldn’t in your first trimester, like wet spinach. In fact, it just might become y…

This Threat to Democracy Must Be Certified For years, we Democrats have been reminding you that Donald Trump is a danger to democracy and a scourge on our nation. His election back into our highest office is a terrifying, perhaps fatal turning point in American history. He will bring about a backslide from which we may never recover. But what is most important right now is civility. Prop…

Introducing Georg Property, the Long-Lost Third Property Brother DREW: This house has been run down since the ‘70s. We’re hoping we can help it get its groove back! JONATHAN: That’s right. We’re going to give this fixer-upper a big boost of curb appeal. GEORG: Why do you avert your eyes? Can you tell that I am nude beneath my velvet cloak? – – – JONATHAN: I think we should redo the roof first. DREW: No way, I…

Local Alternatives to “California Sober” California sober: No alcohol or drugs except marijuana New York sober: No alcohol or drugs except cocaine Kentucky sober: No alcohol or drugs except a cool, tall mint julep on a sweltering July afternoon Oregon sober: No alcohol if it’s not an IPA Texas sober: No alcohol except empty beer cans to shoot Maine sober: No addictive drugs except lobs…

Project 2025 Was Inside Us All Along “New year, new you,” they say. Well, Project 2025 is going to make what’s new actually really fucking old. Like listeria- and child labor-old. The country went for some Grover Cleveland shit, and you know what? We, the People, can play that game. This New Year, it’s time to roll back the clock and become the worst version of yourself. It’s going…

A Jane Austen Heroine’s New Year’s Resolutions Originally published December 31, 2018. – – – 1. Learn to play the pianoforte moderately well. Stick to duets. 2. Stop taking long walks in the rain while underdressed. 3. Throw out the expired smelling salts. Replace promptly. 4. Avoid rakes with jaunty names that start with W. Perfect sideburns are not indicative of mature relationship potenti…

Our 24 Most-Read Pieces of 2024 – – – Thanks to all our contributors this year. On to 2025! – – – 24. We Are Not a ‘School’—We Are a Hospital System with a Football Teamby Andrew Patrick Clark 23. I Am a Boomer’s iPhone and I Will Not Be Silencedby Julia Bensfield Luce 22. Deciphering Your Daughter’s ‘MOM’ Textsby Dani Bostick 21. Gen Z Beowulfby John-Clark Levin 20. Here’s Wh…

Class Is Canceled Until Further Notice While I Do My Job Our most-read article of 2024. – – – Originally published March 27, 2024. – – – Dear Students — I am sorry to say that I will need to cancel all classes for an indeterminate length of time while I work on doing my job. I realize you think that teaching is my job, but there are many other aspects to being a professor. In the unlikely event that y…

Counting Down Our 24 Most-Read Pieces of 2024 – – – We’re counting down our twenty-four most-read articles of 2024. Check back daily for updates to the list, as we make our way to number one. Happy Holidays! – – – 24. We Are Not a ’School’—We Are a Hospital System with a Football Teamby Andrew Patrick Clark 23. I Am a Boomer’s iPhone and I Will Not Be Silencedby Julia Bensfield Luce 22. Dec…

The Twelve Days of Christmas Originally published December 23, 2009. – – – Day 1 On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree. Such a thoughtful gift, she knows how much I love fruit. She also knows my building’s pretty strict about pets, so the bird threw me a little. But he is a cute little guy. Day 2 On the second day of Christmas, my…

The Three Kings Arrive, but One of Them Brings a Shaq-a-Roni Pizza Instead of Myrrh A brilliant star hangs above a stable in Bethlehem, like a giant Google Maps pin. The three kings arrive. “We have brought gold, frankincense, and myrrh, gifts befitting the King of the Jews,” declared Melchior, bowing to the Holy Family. “Actually…” said Balthazar. “Oh, no,” replied Gaspar. “You forgot the myrrh?” “Didn’t forget it,” answered B…

Holidays Songs for Life Under the US Health Care System “I’m Dreaming of a Light Sickness” “All I Want for Christmas Is You… to Acknowledge Receipt of the Referral I’ve Sent in Fourteen Damn Times Now” “I Saw Mommy Charged Five Grand for Gauze” “Halve Your Wealth to Repair Your Meniscus” “God Rest Ye Weary New Mother (For Twenty-Four Hours, Then Please Vacate the Maternity Ward)” “Grandma Got Screwed…

Job Posting: Team Leader for the Maccabees About The Job The Maccabees are a small, start-up militia charged with defending the holy temple from the invading Greek army. Our rockstar candidate should be a motivated, goal-oriented self-starter, because we don’t have the bandwidth or manpower for micromanaging. You’ll be leading a team of five employees meant to maintain stability and long…

Great Philosophers on Santa’s Naughty and Nice Lists (With thanks to Dr. Henry Gorman) – – – Aristotle: Be good for goodness’ sake. Plato: To be “good” or “nice” is to cultivate one’s knowledge of Santa and to choose actions that make him happy. For these purposes, “Santa” can be defined as a bearded featherless biped in a red suit. Diogenes: Pluck the fattest chicken you can find, paint it red, g…

An Art Nouveau Calendar for a Terrible Fucking Year – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – To order a real-live version of this calendar directly from the artist, click here.