How to Craft a Eulogy When All You Want to Do Is Crawl in a Hole In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. – – – Writing is already hard when everything is fine. But often, things are bad…

“The Three Little Pigs Are Hurting Their Own Cause,” an Op-Ed by the Big Bad Wolf The little pigs are their own worst enemy. Don’t get me wrong, I want to support the little pigs. Plenty of folks like me sympathize with them, but their own actions are the biggest detriment to their cause. The little pigs make a dramatic show of their new tactics. Fresh brick, rebar construction, double-paned windows—shiny new toys they are on…

“The Three Little Pigs Are Hurting Their Own Cause,” an Op-Ed by the Big Bad Wolf The little pigs are their own worst enemy. Don’t get me wrong, I want to support the little pigs. Plenty of folks like me sympathize with them, but their own actions are the biggest detriment to their cause. The little pigs make a dramatic show of their new tactics. Fresh brick, rebar construction, double-paned windows—shiny new toys they are on…

If I, the Heiress to a Pickle-Manufacturing Magnate, Can Make It in This Business, Anyone Can To outsiders, my multimillion-dollar artisanal pickle company may look like an overnight success, but I can assure you it was the result of a lot of hard work. Yes, my father is the number-one producer of pickles worldwide, but please don’t be so crass as to suggest that my success has anything to do with his. I make sweet pickles, not dill—it’s…

If I, the Heiress to a Pickle-Manufacturing Magnate, Can Make It in This Business, Anyone Can To outsiders, my multimillion-dollar artisanal pickle company may look like an overnight success, but I can assure you it was the result of a lot of hard work. Yes, my father is the number-one producer of pickles worldwide, but please don’t be so crass as to suggest that my success has anything to do with his. I make sweet pickles, not dill—it’s…

I’m Voting for Him, Not Endorsing Him—There’s a Huge Difference “Nikki Haley says she’ll vote for Trump, despite previously saying he’s ‘not qualified’ to be president.” – CBS News, 5/22/24 – – – I’m voting for Donald Trump, but that doesn’t mean I’m vouching for him. The difference between a promise to vote for someone and a formal endorsement is so vast that the average mind simply cannot comprehend it. So…

I’m Voting for Him, Not Endorsing Him—There’s a Huge Difference “Nikki Haley says she’ll vote for Trump, despite previously saying he’s ‘not qualified’ to be president.” – CBS News, 5/22/24 – – – I’m voting for Donald Trump, but that doesn’t mean I’m vouching for him. The difference between a promise to vote for someone and a formal endorsement is so vast that the average mind simply cannot comprehend it. So…

A Rejection Letter for Heart of Darkness, Written by Dani Hatcher—the Sixteen-Year-Old Daughter of Laura Hatcher, Senior Editor at Random House—Who Has Been Freaky Friday-ed into Laura’s Body Dear Joseph (we’re both adults, so I can call you by your first name), I regret to inform you that we cannot accept your book Heart of Darkness for publication. I loved how short it was, but I hated how dumb it was. Your story makes no sense. Marlow—is that a first name? Last name? Beyoncé situation?—spends the whole time being like, “Oh no, it …

A Rejection Letter for Heart of Darkness, Written by Dani Hatcher—the Sixteen-Year-Old Daughter of Laura Hatcher, Senior Editor at Random House—Who Has Been Freaky Friday-ed into Laura’s Body Dear Joseph (we’re both adults, so I can call you by your first name), I regret to inform you that we cannot accept your book Heart of Darkness for publication. I loved how short it was, but I hated how dumb it was. Your story makes no sense. Marlow—is that a first name? Last name? Beyoncé situation?—spends the whole time being like, “Oh no, it …

Excerpts from The Believer:: Take the W: Interpretations – – – Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If you want to follow along and bypass the paywall, pick up a Believer…

Excerpts from The Believer:: Take the W: Interpretations – – – Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If you want to follow along and bypass the paywall, pick up a Believer…

I Am the Only Person on the Fury Road Who Still Drives a Sensible Car When the world died, all that was left was chaos. All that awaited us was death. Living in the ashes of our civilization, I’ve learned two things: I can rely only on myself, and I am the only person in this whole wasteland who still drives a sensible car. I know a 2006 Toyota Camry may not be very flashy or deadly, but it’s dependable, sturdy, a…

I Am the Only Person on the Fury Road Who Still Drives a Sensible Car When the world died, all that was left was chaos. All that awaited us was death. Living in the ashes of our civilization, I’ve learned two things: I can rely only on myself, and I am the only person in this whole wasteland who still drives a sensible car. I know a 2006 Toyota Camry may not be very flashy or deadly, but it’s dependable, sturdy, a…

Hello, It’s Me, Elijah. Who’s the Jerk Who Drank My Cup of Wine? Originally published April 15, 2022 – – – Wow, guys, this is deeply uncool. After all these years, I finally make it to a Passover Seder, only to find you polished off the only cup of wine specifically intended for me. I mean, it had my name engraved all over it, in two different languages. Kind of hard not to take that personally, you know? I r…

If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Given This Commencement Speech to Other Poor College Graduates Well, look at you. You’re all so brand spanking new, shiny, and gleaming. The world was made for the likes of you as you are now. Young. Supple. Idealistic. Yes, even the goths with their cloaks of (imaginary? performative?) sorrow, black as their black kohl-rimmed eyes. Yes, you are hopeful and just as starry-eyed and dreamy as the sunshiny one…

I Tried IHOP’s Sonic the Hedgehog Menu So You Don’t Have to, But I Wish You’d Help Out Once in a While Sega fanatics and pancake aficionados rejoiced last week as the International House of Pancakes dropped their latest collab. These six foodstuffs, inspired by America’s favorite blue hedgehog, are sure to make Sonic players curl up in a little ball and spin around really fast in joy. But don’t worry, I tried every item on the new menu, so you do…

Is It a Red Flag? (Jane Eyre Edition) He’s your current employer, and you live in his house. Not a red flag. Not for you at least. As the person in the higher class, he is the one with the most to lose. For you, there is nowhere to go but up. He lies to you about who he is when you first meet. Not a red flag. This is called keeping the mystery alive, and he is smart to make a habit…

Letters to Moms: A Letter to Alison in Knocked Up In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. – – – Dear Alison, I am forever thinking about the time Katherine Heigl made some negative comments about your character, saying that you were painted as a shrew an…

Other Things That Could Be Called The Tortured Poets Department The LiveJournal community, circa 2005 The university café where English adjuncts hold their office hours My tenth-grade ELA class when I ask them to write one (1) poem The subject line of Submittable email notifications Bard College Any and all bars named after Oscar Wilde Literary Twitter The reception for the Nobel Prize in Literature the year…

Good News, Husband: I’ve Become a Tradwife Hi, sweetie. Remember how you told me that your childhood crush was Laura Ingalls Wilder? And that you think America is in the toilet? Well, you’re about to have all your home-churned-butter dreams come true, because I’ve decided to become a tradwife. Like the other pretty, milk-fed traditional wives on Instagram and TikTok, I want to return to …