User Guide to the Relative Making You Do Tech Support Congratulations on purchasing a new Xee-Whiz Smart Wi-Fi Socket. While installing this device is so easy you could do it in five seconds, this manual is not for setting up the Smart Wi-Fi Socket. This manual is for dealing with whatever relative is making you help them set up the Smart Wi-Fi Socket right now. The information contained in this ma…

A Day in the Life of “Mister” Anthony Fauci, as Imagined by Marjorie Taylor Greene “Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, R-Ga., refused to address Dr. Anthony Fauci as ‘doctor’ and called for him to be jailed during an, at times, explosive hearing before Congress on the origins of Covid-19—as Republicans continue to demonize the federal government’s former top infectious disease expert in their probe into the government’s response to …

My Life in Opposite Land In Opposite Land, Oreos are a nutritious superfood. In Opposite Land, I have no unwanted facial hair. All of my facial hair is wanted. In Opposite Land, my job pays me obscene amounts of money. Unfortunately, money is virtually worthless here, so people burn it to keep cool in the long, hot days of winter. Here, instead of two white cats, I have…

We’re Having a Get-Together. Could You Bring Your Massive, Poorly Trained Dog? Hey man, we’re having a little get-together in the park this weekend. I would love it if you could make it. We’ll have snacks, and you can bring a six-pack or something if you want. We’ll probably throw some tunes on the portable speaker, catch up, and just enjoy the afternoon. Oh, one other thing, almost slipped my mind: Could you bring your ma…

Sorry Not Sorry: The Pope’s Contradictory Apology A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. – – – Last week, you probably got a New York Times alert saying that the pope had apolog…

Overheard at the Lesser-Known Dinosaurs Support Group Mamenchisaurus: I know I shouldn’t, but I still find myself going through the picture books, looking at all the brachiosauruses and apatosauruses and brontosauruses—and knowing that I’ll never be in there. It’s hard to take. I mean, come on, my neck is huge. I’m basically all neck. When kids draw a diplodocus, they always go way too big on the n…

“Why I Am Still Voting for Donald Trump” Mad Libs The worst has happened. Donald Trump is a convicted felon, and it’s all because he . I’m outraged that…

Excerpts from The Believer:: Take the W: Parker – – – Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If you want to follow along and bypass the paywall, pick up a Believer…

HELP PROVE I DID NOTHING WRONG BY SENDING ME MONEY IMMEDIATELY “I’M A POLITICAL PRISONER! … I DID NOTHING WRONG! … My end-of-month fundraising deadline is just DAYS AWAY!” — Donald Trump on his campaign website, which went down briefly, after he was convicted on 34 counts in hush-money trial – – – IT’S OFFICIAL: I’M A POLITICAL PRISONER. A JURY OF YOUR PEERS (NOT MINE) FOUND ME GUILTY. BUT I DID NOTHING WRO…

Every Conversation Between Every Parent and Their Child After One Year of College PARENT 1: Welcome home! CHILD: Manipulative! PARENT 1: Wait. What? CHILD: Toxic! PARENT 1: Who? Me? CHILD: Narcissist! PARENT 1: You keep saying words, but without verbs. CHILD: Gaslighting! PARENT 1: I’m just thinking that if you put these words into a sentence, I might get a better sense of what’s on your mind. CHILD: You’re a manipulative, to…

Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Patient Portal When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what Susan Sontag called the Kingdom of the Sick. In this column, she’ll …

All My Exes Are Dating Each Other They found one another. Of course they did. It doesn’t matter how. Fate finds a way. I see some of them sunglass-faced sitting outside of cafés laughing over espressos, playfully touching elbows. I know they’re whispering about me after they make love—two heads on one pillow, tracing the chin of the other. Another two pair up, vacation across It…

Excerpts from an Epic Fantasy Novel Where the Protagonist Is Over Thirty “We must journey forth,” commanded the good Wizard Byroncorn to Luanne Wyldsmith, the graceful ager and chosen one, user of hyaluronic face potions and seeker of bargain discounts. “Why do you dally so?” “If we wait until tomorrow’s pay period,” replied Luanne Wyldsmith, “I can use my membership card points to book our next stay at the inn.” “My…

If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Gathered More Rosebuds Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enough, she’d achieve them. The small catch was that Walker’s dream was …

Reasons Why Tort Lawyers Hate Me I rock large appliances and furniture back and forth, ensuring that my body is beneath them. I remove all tags from my towels and mattresses before purchasing. I light lighters ANYWHERE. I lean small children against window screens while the window is open. I press irons up to my face to see if they’re hot enough to iron my clothes. Then I leave…

God’s Slack Channel for #Revelation And on a Thursday afternoon, God created the #Revelation Slack Channel. God Time to get this party started! Or more like ENDED?! #LFGtotheEndofDays God I know we’re all excited to finally bring about the end of all things on Earth. Tagging in key stakeholders now. God added @antichrist @famine @war @palehorse @conquest @AngelGab @Jesus DeathOMG …

Pep Talk I can tell what you’re all thinking. Those guys in the other locker room are bigger than us. Stronger. Faster. Hell, they even got prettier cheerleaders. Moms who bake better cookies. Uncles who’re more conscious of their prejudices and are doing the work to listen and learn. But you know what we got that they don’t? The thing that’s gonna turn …

An Unrecognized Device Has Logged into Your Account Alert: This is Verizon letting you know that an unrecognized device, the only device you’ve ever used to sign in to our website, has logged into your account. Was that you? Was it?? We are freaking out over here. We have no idea if this device—your only device—was you logging in. For all we know, it could be anyone. It could be an enemy that you…

An Unrecognized Device Has Logged into Your Account Alert: This is Verizon letting you know that an unrecognized device, the only device you’ve ever used to sign in to our website, has logged into your account. Was that you? Was it?? We are freaking out over here. We have no idea if this device—your only device—was you logging in. For all we know, it could be anyone. It could be an enemy that you…

How to Craft a Eulogy When All You Want to Do Is Crawl in a Hole In this column, professional speechwriter Chandler Dean provides partly satirical, partly genuine “How To” advice focused on a hyper-specific subcategory of speeches—from graduation speeches to wedding toasts to eulogies, and all the rhetorical occasions in between. – – – Writing is already hard when everything is fine. But often, things are bad…