Excerpts from The Believer: Take the W: Bodies – – – Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If you want to follow along and bypass the paywall, pick up a Believer…

Trolley Problem Variations for Dads A trolley is about to run over five people, but your dad gets distracted by a nearby sports bar playing The Shawshank Redemption on one of their outdoor TVs. He just stands there watching the movie. Everyone dies. – – – When presented with the Trolley Problem, Dad uses the opportunity to rail against Waze, saying he knows better and GPS apps are…

Dad Jokes Ruined by Gentle Parenting What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays! But they also have their own strengths, and they should be proud. For example, Friday is good at being casual, and Tuesday is good at tacos. Can you name something Monday is good at? No? That’s okay! – – – How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? …

An OSHA Workplace Safety Checklist as Designed by Me, a Child Asked to Hold the Flashlight for My Father REQUIRED OCCUPATIONAL SAFETY AND HEALTH CHECKLIST 1. Are batteries in the flashlights up to date and working properly? YES NO 2. Are flashlights easily accessible at all times?YES NO 3. Are all flashlights really heavy?YES NO 4. Has someone at the worksite been assigned the incredibly important job of holding the flashlight straight even tho…

An Open Letter to Martha-Ann Alito About Her New Pride Flag “Justice Alito’s Wife, in Secretly Recorded Conversation, Complains About Pride Flag” — Headline from the New York Times, 6/10/24 – – – Dear Martha-Ann, I can’t say that I expected to hear from you during Pride month. So, imagine my surprise when, this week, you spilled to an undercover reporter that you’ve been feeling a little left out. It tug…

Been There, Smelled That: The Bad Scents Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured generations to the latest innovations in aroma-making. – – – Years a…

Things to do in a Hotel Room After Your Child Falls Asleep at 7:30 p.m. Sit in the bathroom and use your creativity to make it the most exciting place in the entire hotel. Become frustrated that rearranging the towels has failed to turn the bathroom into the most exciting place in the entire hotel. Remember that your child’s crib has wheels, and see if you can wheel it into the not-particularly-exciting bathroom wit…

That’s the Grind, Baby, There Ain’t Nothing Like It There is NOTHING like The Grind, my guy. Nothing like having my boiz line up outside the conference room, tapping our sensitive little balls over The Big Merger, making eye contact with The Big Boss as he gives me a slow nod from his office. Nothing like laughing at the betas who don’t have what it takes to climb their way to the top. Nothing li…

A Recap of the First Season of House of the Dragon in One Scene “As much as dragons or incest or power struggles or even more generalized violence, has been defined by traumatic birth scenes.” — Kathryn VanArendonk, Vulture – – – Princess Rhaenyra screams for ten uninterrupted minutes. The Maester rushes in. MAESTER: Princess Rhaenyra, forgive me for interrupting your painful childbirth, but you…

You’ve Read Your Last Free Article, Such Is the Nature of Mortality This is your last free article. There will be no more, forever. We’re offering a $9.99 monthly subscription for our award-winning journalism. But you won’t finish these articles anyway. Why waste it? Our headlines just sit there on your browser—open tabs, like tombstones in a haunted cemetery of noncommitment. In fleeting moments before work, or…

Short Conversations with Poets: Madeleine Cravens Madeleine Cravens is a poet of delectable desolation. Pleasure Principle is the name of her first book, and beyond the Freudian reference I can’t help but hear the echo of another kind of principle, the principal, that which we pay when we pay what we owe. To grow up is, in some ways, to find out how much you owe—for and to childhood and its ill…

At This Rate, I’ll Never Be Able to Start a Second Family Fatherhood. One of the great joys of a man’s life, second only to secret fatherhood. Unfortunately, due to the high cost of living, I fear I may never get the chance to start a second family. What does it say about our current economic climate that a hardworking individual like myself can’t maintain multiple households a few towns apart? Did our…

Do You Have What It Takes to Take a Summer Friday? Attention staff: Summer Fridays are here! From Friday, June 7, to Friday, August 30, staff have the option to leave at 1:00 p.m. for a 4.5-hour early dismissal. All staff are welcome to participate in Summer Fridays, though we know they may not be for everyone. Here are some guidelines about how to participate: You must have already worked fort…

Excerpts from The Believer: Take the W: Business Moves – – – Our friends at The Believer are now publishing web exclusives. To celebrate, we’re sharing excerpts of their inaugural weekly column, in which Katie Heindl (author of the beloved Basketball Feelings) writes about the WNBA for both longtime fans and the casual observer. If you want to follow along and bypass the paywall, pick up a Believer…

A Brief History of Time Travel The first successful instance of time travel occurred in 2306, when a group of Syracuse University researchers transported Tootsie, a chimpanzee, to the front lines of the War of 1812. The scientists were awarded a Nobel Prize, but despite deftly outmaneuvering the British Royal Navy in the Battle of New Orleans, Tootsie won no military decorati…

I Was the Wedding Planner for the Guns N’ Roses “November Rain” Ceremony and Reception Oral Deposition Testimony, Sierra Madre Wedding Centre vs Mike Sacks, Feb 4, 1993 PLAINTIFF: Please spell your name and list your occupation. DEFENDANT: Mike Sacks. M-I-K-E S-A-C-K-S. Wedding planner. PLAINTIFF: And how long have you worked as a wedding planner? DEFENDANT: Since May. This was my first wedding. PLAINTIFF: Were you familiar with t…

Reviews of New Food: 7-Eleven French Toast Sandwich with Sausage, Egg, Cheese and Chipotle-Bacon Mayonnaise Dressing Convenience stores are not known for luxury. They replicate our base desires, stocking shelves with only the most essential food groups: salt, sugar, and alcohol. But what kind of person would look at a 7-Eleven and say, “You know what this place needs? A brunch item.” Apparently, I am that kind of person. Ever since the internet has made a cult…

An Open Letter to the University Hiring Committee Dear Members of the Search Committee: Well, here we are again. I am sitting in my sunroom, listening to the robins, crows, and jays, and I’m trying to type out a list of all my achievements so that you will like me enough to invite me for a Zoom interview and possibly a campus visit. I already have a teaching job at a small college in South Geor…

We Are the Spiders of This House WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE SHOUTING OUR MANIFESTO AS BEST WE CAN WITHOUT VOCAL CORDS BUT ONLY YOUR CATS CAN HEAR US THEY ARE LAZY, OVERFED WE LAUGH IN THEIR WHISKERED FACES AS WE BUMP UGLIES BENEATH THE LOVESEAT THROW DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE – – – WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE WHEN YOU’RE ALONE IT’S SHOWTIME WE POP UP IN CORNERS PEEPIN…

Letters to Moms: Letter to the Virgin Mary In this column, Kristen Mulrooney writes letters to famous mothers from literature, TV, and film whom she finds herself relating to on a different level now that she’s a mom herself. – – – Dear Virgin Mary, First let me just say, you may not consider yourself a pop culture icon, but we have to put your story in historical context: if you were bo…