The Secret of Ancestor Fields Farm Is Our Land. Also, Our Polygamy When our great-grandfather Seb Ancestor built Ancestor Fields Farm 140 years ago, he was guided by a vision of earth-borne food harvested and passed along to the consumer as naturally as possible. His original dream began with fresh grains and produce handpicked by one of his four wives, straight from Seb’s family to yours. Six generations later…

Terrifying Warnings for the Gurgle-Goo Sleepytime Baby Swing The Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing from Gurgle-Goo is designed to float even the fussiest baby to dreamland. In just a matter of minutes, little ones will be snoozing, and frazzled parents will be sighing with relief. Before joining the thousands of happy, well-rested Soothing Sleepytime Baby Swing users out there, be sure to glance at the safet…

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William Faulkner Does Pickleball I stare at Linoleum Snopes across the net, hating him. “It don’t bounce proper,” I say. “It don’t hardly bounce at all.” He studies the service line at his feet, furious. The sun is hot. It don’t bounce proper. It just. “Eight-three-one,” he says. “You best back up some.” I don’t budge. I look back at Varse, my partner, daring him to boss me. He…

If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Would’ve Been Like James Baldwin and Worked a “Black Job” Like the rest of the deathcore band of Americans who live with perpetual nimbus clouds of trepidation over their hanging heads, I watched CNN’s presidential debate. I was hoping (which is a rare thing for me) that there might be a thin wisp of a silver lining tucked somewhere in the thick, dark gray. There was none, only a thunderclap followed b…

Relax, the Only People Panicking About Biden Are Political Insiders, the Media, and Literally Everyone Else “Following the debate, the Beltway class is counting Joe Biden out. If we see changes in polling, it won’t be the first time overblown media narratives have driven dips in polls.” — Jen O’Malley Dillon, Biden-Harris Campaign Chair – – – Alright, everybody calm down. I know Joe Biden didn’t have the best debate performance. Or TV interview. Or ra…

President Whitmore from Independence Day Debates His Challenger Originally published July 2, 2019 – – – The full transcript from the CNN Presidential debate between President Thomas Whitmore and challenger Governor Patrick Stevens. WOLF BLITZER, MODERATOR: Welcome to the CNN debate for the 1996 presidential election. President Whitmore, let me begin by thanking you for saving our country and the entire world…

How I Imagine the Drafting of the Declaration of Independence Would Have Gone If the Founders Had Been Eating Buffalo Chicken Pizza THOMAS JEFFERSON: Pizza’s here! BENJAMIN FRANKLIN: What’s on this? Is this blue cheese? JOHN ADAMS: Can I have a piece with less blue cheese on it? JEFFERSON: Just pick it off. ADAMS: Can someone help me cut my slice into smaller pieces? JEFFERSON: Sure, John. ADAMS: It’s so spicy! JEFFERSON: Don’t be a wimp, John. You said you liked buffalo sau…

Family Tours in the Kingdom of the Sick: Write This on the Tablet of Your Heart When COVID struck Rebecca Saltzman’s family, the virus unmasked a life-changing discovery: her husband and two of their kids had genetic heart disease. The kind where people drop dead. As their healthy wife and mother, Saltzman had a new role too—guiding her family through what Susan Sontag called the Kingdom of the Sick. In this column, she exp…

How to Tell Whether Someone is Liberal or Conservative on the Fourth of July If someone’s go-to Fourth of July song is Springsteen’s “Born in the USA,” they’re conservative. If their go-to Fourth of July song is “American Tune” by Paul Simon, they’re liberal. If it’s “This is America” by Childish Gambino, they’re liberal, and they’re not celebrating. If a man is wearing a graphic tee with George Washington riding a bald …

This Bar’s Not Normally Like This Hey, so great to see you! Sorry, the bar’s so crowded tonight; it’s not normally like this. Usually, you can grab a booth, no problem, but it looks like we’ll have to share a single barstool. Hope that’s all right. Normally, there’s live bluegrass on Sundays too. That’s why I picked this place, because I know you like the mandolin. But I guess F…

Supreme Court–Approved Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of July Have a cookout The Fourth of July is a great opportunity to gather your friends and family outside and eat some burgers and hot dogs. On the land that you own, of course. Not on any other land, especially not any public spaces like parks or sidewalks, because it’s clear you didn’t spend money to purchase a deed, so what are you doing there? Bein…

Peri(menopausal) in Pink Middle-aged Andie Walsh lives in a Chicago suburb with her underemployed and estranged husband, Mike, whom she can’t afford to divorce, because they both stupidly pursued creative careers instead of going into finance. That means their retirement savings are in the triple digits, he wears only dirty white tank tops, and she still drives the pink…

Been There, Smelled That: The Delight of Smelling Rome by Night Been There, Smelled That explores the aromas of places around the world. Travel writer Maggie Downs investigates some of the world’s most potent smells, looks at how odor cultivates a connection to place, and presents how humans engage with smells, from scents that have endured generations to the latest innovations in aroma-making. – – – It was …

Our Food Tells a Story When we first opened NEVERTHELESS, a West Village bakery rooted in my family’s rich traditions of Sardinian pastry and throat singing (cantu a tenóre), we had one simple goal: we wanted our food to tell a story. To bring the city baked goods brimming with the same love and passion we hold for the culinary traditions of our ancestors. We are prou…

Gandalf Must Step Aside and Let a Younger Hero Save Us from Sauron Lest We Lose this Middle-earth “On the biggest stage in US politics, Biden did not meet their modest expectations. And by the end of the 90-minute showdown, the Democratic president’s allies—party strategists and rank-and-file voters alike—descended into all-out panic following a debate performance punctuated by repeated stumbles, uncomfortable pauses, and a quiet speaking st…

Maura Quint’s Presidential Debate Recaps: The One That Might Have Finally Snuffed Out Our Democracy 2024 PRESIDENTIAL deBATECNN STUDIOSATLANTA, GEORGIAJUNE 27, 2024 9:00 PM: Moderators Jake Tapper and Dana Bash explain that this debate will happen in a studio without a live audience as the only people even slightly interested in attending were individuals who fell into a coma just before 2016 and have only recently woken up, and even those thr…

Mantras for the Eight-Year-Old Boy Who Is About to Walk into Target Today is a precious gift. Even if I do not walk out of this Target with a single, solitary Minecraft-themed item. I am a confident and unique being who can pick up a Tech Deck mini skateboard, stare directly at the label ULTRA RARE, and feel absolutely no urge to beg or whine. I admit that I am powerless against the words “collect them all” and …

Sorry Not Sorry: Why Boeing Being Serially Sorry Doesn’t Fly A 2023 Column Contest grand-prize winner, Laurence Pevsner’s Sorry Not Sorry investigates why we’re sick of everyone apologizing all the time—and how the collapse of the public apology leaves little room for forgiveness and grace in our politics and culture. – – – Last week, Boeing Airlines CEO Dave Calhoun testified before Congress. The title t…

Pavement Lyrics or Trump Cognitive Glitch? 1. “That’s true they don’t go far. But it’s never been great for your climb. They call it climate.” 2. “And you can never quarantine the past.” 3. “He needs a haircut more than I do. It’s true. I couldn’t tell. Needs a haircut.” 4. “Oh, everybody’s gotta ride in something. High life, lived, comatosed him.” 5. “They delivered a swift and swiping,…