You Kids Think You’re Punk? Then Name Two SR-71 Albums My nephew told me he was getting into punk music and played me some stuff from this guy Machine Gun Kelly. I couldn’t help but laugh and roll my eyes. What these kids today call “punk” is embarrassing. It’s time they learn what real punk is from someone who was there when it happened. I was there when Yellowcard opened for Good Charlotte. I was …

270 Reasons: Because She Supports a Ban on Assault Weapons Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to acutely personal mini-manifestoes. Read the rest over at 270 Reason…

Haunting Strategies When Your Dilapidated Mansion Gets Converted into an Airbnb Mansion: Moaning in the middle of the nightAirbnb: Changing the WiFi password to alternate between zero and the letter zero, like “00OO0O000O” Mansion: Shouting “Get Out!”Airbnb: Giving commands via posters, like EAT or LIVE LAUGH LOVE. Mansion: Creating panic in their minds over the course of months Airbnb: Inducing a nagging feeling over the c…

BuzzFeed Quizzes If Everyone Who Wrote BuzzFeed Quizzes Was Depressed Guess If These 40 Peripheral Figures in Your Life Actively Despise You or Don’t Know You Exist What Happy Days Character Are You? You Are Chuck Here Is Your Bed. This Is Not a Quiz Can You Guess Whether These 51 Tips to Feel Great Will Work? I Am Not Genuinely Curious How Many of These Recipes You’ve Stared At Make a Hot Dog and Use Some of That…

270 Reasons: Because Trump Doesn’t Read Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to acutely personal mini-manifestoes. Read the rest over at 270 Reason…

FAQ: Your First Mammogram How should I prepare for my first mammogram? On the day of your exam, don’t apply deodorant or scented lotions. Also, be sure to remove any nipple piercings, nursing children, and/or tiny nipple top hats. Will I need to arrive early to fill out paperwork? Yes. We have efficiently limited the pre-procedure paperwork to a short eleven pages by red…

What Your Twelve-Foot Home Depot Skeleton Says About Your Recent Divorce Your Wife Never Truly Loved Halloween She claims she used to be in love with All Hallow’s Eve and that she spent years trying to work things out with the spooky season. But it’s become abundantly clear that she is a liar. Your wife never loved Halloween. And you know what? GOOD. Halloween doesn’t need her anyway. Halloween’s got candy corn, Fred…

In the Closing Days of a Tight Election Race, a Presidential Candidate Spends Twelve and a Half Minutes Talking about Arnold Palmer and His Penis Yeah, we love Pennsylvania. That’s our very special hello to Latrobe. Oh, I love Latrobe. You know why? The home of Arnold Palmer. This is the home of my friend Arnold Palmer. And he loved Latrobe. You know, he turned out to be one of the greatest golfers in the world. He started off very, very poor. He had no money, just had a lot of talent and…

270 Reasons: Because You Shouldn’t Throw Your Vote Away Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to acutely personal mini-manifestoes. Read the rest over at 270 Reason…

Honest Search Results for “Zucchini Bread Recipe” Amazing (at Appearing High in Your Search Results) Zucchini Bread Not the Best Zucchini Bread Pretty Good but Still Kind of Dry and Bland Zucchini Bread Zucchini Bread Exactly Like the Recipe Above but with a Random Extra Quarter Teaspoon Baking Powder and a Completely Unnecessary “Signature” Ingredient (It’s Paprika) Zucchini Bread Recipe Stole…

Every Person in Every Meeting Ever SEAN: Happy Monday, everyone. This is me, your boss, pretending that the beginning of your forty-hour work week is a good thing. It isn’t. I will now ask about everyone’s weekend and say, “Hope no one did anything I wouldn’t do.” This won’t make sense, as I’m the most boring person here. Now, I’m going to throw things over to our office manager,…

I’m a Childless Cat Lady, and If Trump and Vance Win I’m Going to Start a Sexual Relationship with My Couch This week, a resurfaced video of Donald Trump’s running mate, J. D. Vance, calling childless cat ladies like me miserable and uncaring went viral, making me more concerned than I already was about what my life might be like under an administration so hostile to women’s sexual, reproductive, and pet-related choices. But then another viral story a…

Skills You Need as President of the United States or Skills You Need as a Stepmom? “Will Chamberlain, a conservative lawyer who worked on Ron DeSantis’s presidential campaign, posted on X that Harris ‘shouldn’t be President’ because she doesn’t have biological children; ‘becoming a step-parent to older teenagers doesn’t count,’ he said.” —New York Times, 07/23/2024 – – – 1. Integrating into a structure with a history that bega…

If They’d Told Me We Were Poor, I Wouldn’t Have Tolerated the Cynics Though her family sometimes received food stamps and occasionally had their utilities cut off, Marcie Alvis Walker’s parents led her to believe that they were an average middle-class Black family. They encouraged her to pursue her dreams and told her that if she worked hard enough, she’d achieve them. The small catch was that Walker’s dream was …

Preorder Book Sales Are Key We are so proud to be publishing your masterpiece. We want this book to be huge. We want the face of every commuter buried in its pages. We want every e-reader in America to glow with it. To make this happen, preorder sales are essential. We have to spread the word! But you already knew all of this, right? I hope you’ve been hard at work for mon…

So, What Are the Logistics Behind the Apocalypse Orgy? Sorry, everybody, I hate to be that guy, but what’s going on with the apocalypse orgy? It’s happening, right? Do we have any more details about it, or are we just going into this whole doomsday orgy thing completely off the cuff? Seriously, what are the logistics behind the apocalypse orgy? Look, I know everyone’s in favor of having one massive,…

You Are Almost Out of Google Storage Space You are using 85 percent of your Google storage. If you don’t upgrade soon, you will lose the ability to receive emails and upload new photos. Click here to upgrade. – – – You are using 87 percent of your Google storage. If you don’t upgrade soon, you will lose the ability to receive emails, upload new photos, and experience joy. Click here to u…

Table Options for Your Dinner Reservation Dining Room High Top Even Higher Top Low Top (normal chairs around a coffee table) Bar Seating Outdoor (sidewalk) Outdoor (back patio) Outdoor (overgrown garden that’s a breeding ground for mosquitoes) Table in Striking Distance from Pool Table The Pool Table Table in Collision Path of Swinging Door Doug’s Table (Doug will be joining you) “The M…

Kamala Harris is a DEI Hire; We Need a President Who Earned Everything Himself “MAGA Republicans are subjecting Vice President Kamala Harris to a barrage of racist and sexist attacks as she has stormed out in front as the likely 2024 nominee…GOP Rep. Tim Burchett of Tennessee said that “100 percent, she was a DEI hire” insisting of Biden’s choice of Harris: “When you go down that route, you get mediocrity.” — Rolling Stone…

If You’re a Wealthy, Divorced, and Fascism-Curious Dad, You Need My Twelve-Step Video Program about Herbs Attention: If you’re a single man over thirty making at least $150,000 a year but you’re ashamed of your pestos and bouquets garnis, stop what you’re doing and register for my twelve-part video program. In just six short months, I will turn you into a black-belt-certified fresh herbs master. I want to be very clear: this video series is specific…