270 Reasons: Because Her Policies, Character, and Leadership Ethos Align with My Core Values as a Veteran Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to acutely personal mini-manifestoes. Read the rest over at 270 Reason…

Grub Street Diet: Mergamon, Soul-Devouring Demon, Snacks on Stale Human Spirits “I should have used Saran wrap, but I’m not above eating the stale remains of the pickleball player’s soul.” I yawn out a plume of black flies, then slither out of bed and over to the Keurig machine. In my haze, I accidentally puncture the last pod with a gnarled claw, causing coffee grounds to explode all over the floor. Beelzebub’s breasts! Gu…

Politely Asking the Spirit Haunting My House to Wait Until After the Election to Terrorize Me Listen, I get it. You’ve been lurking in this creaky old house for centuries. It’s your time to shine—Halloween is your Super Bowl. But could we maybe hold off on the supernatural terror until after the election? I’m barely keeping it together. You’ve been doing a stellar job with the whole “creepy footsteps in the hallway” routine and the blood…

270 Reasons: Because I Want the American Experiment to Continue Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to acutely personal mini-manifestoes. Read the rest over at 270 Reason…

Quoth the Baby, “Waah. Waah. Waah” With apologies to Edgar Allan Poe. – – – Once upon a midnight dreary, While I slumbered, weak and weary, In a cozy townhouse In the suburbs of Cleveland, While I dozed off, nearly snoring, Suddenly there came a roaring From the baby monitor That lay on my nightstand. “’Tis just the wind,” I murmured then, “That howls like the damned.” And…

The Trump Campaign Distrances Itself from Tony Hinchcliffe’s Joke About Puerto Rico Because It Was Not Actually a Joke “The stand-up comedian Tony Hinchcliffe took the stage early in former President Donald J. Trump’s rally at Madison Square Garden on Sunday, hurling a wave of insults and vulgar statements at minority groups including Jews, Latinos and African Americans.” — New York Times – – – After President Trump’s sold-out rally in Madison Square Garden this…

Spooky Sounds for the Socially Anxious Excerpts from Side A of this year’s worst-selling Halloween cassette tape. To listen to the audio versions of these sketches and others, click here. – – – 1. Running into an Ex You’re Still in Love with at the Grocery Store LAURA: Dave, is that you? YOU: Babe! I mean, Laura. How… how are you? LAURA: So so good. I haven’t seen you in, what, over …

270 Reasons: Because Kamala Harris Is an Ally to the Queer Community Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to acutely personal mini-manifestoes. Read the rest over at 270 Reason…

The Starfleet Gazette Will Not Be Endorsing a Candidate for President of the United Federation of Planets “After the Washington Post announced it would not endorse a presidential candidate in this year’s election or in the future, its billionaire owner remains silent as the newspaper’s staff are in turmoil.” – CNN – – – The Starfleet Gazette will not be endorsing a candidate in the upcoming election for president of the United Federation of Planets….

If Horror Movies Reflected Your Actual Fears Halloween Michael Myers breaks through your front door. He informs you that your son volunteered you to bring a “homemade sweet treat” to the kindergarten holiday parade, which is in two hours. Psycho You hit it off with a cute guy and agree to move in with him. He neglects to tell you he lives with his Mother. Rosemary’s Baby You’re pregnant wi…

270 Reasons: Because She Won’t Eliminate the Department of Education Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to acutely personal mini-manifestoes. Read the rest over at 270 Reason…

Here’s the Pitch It’s a platform, right? A platform you stand on. Not too big, not too small. Platform-sized. You get the picture. The platform is flat. I guess that goes without saying. Who ever heard of a slanted platform? A slanted platform is a ramp. A ramp is not what I’m pitching. Wait! The platform has walls! Four walls, to be exact. Also, a roof. Well, m…

So, You’re Addicted to Reading the Polls You left your most recent dinner party to read the latest Muhlenberg Poll of the PA 7th Congressional. You’ve developed an involuntary facial tic triggered by the word “toss-up.” You had one of those special dreams again with Steve Kornacki, where you were the map. Does this sound familiar? You’re addicted to the polls. It’s perfectly understand…

I Am Chucky, and This Is My MasterClass Desire and determination. That’s where it all begins. You have to want to terrorize a child. You have to want to transfer your soul into their body. It must come from deep down inside you, because it’s hard work. You’re not always going to feel like inflicting multiple stab wounds on a social worker, but if you persevere, you can achieve anythin…

270 Reasons: Because Now Is the Time to Fight for Our Planet Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to acutely personal mini-manifestoes. Read the rest over at 270 Reason…

They Don’t Tell You This in the Hot Dog Handbook They don’t tell you this in the Hot Dog Handbook, but hot dogs are hungry for mystery… There’s something weird leaking from gas station ceilings. What’s dribbling down is not rainwater or condensation from an AC unit or anything gnarly like that—it’s a pink juice we like to call “Mystery D.” Some people suspect the juice is windshield-washer flu…

A Stump Speech by a Mayoral Candidate Who Just Learned the Werewolves Terrorizing the Town Might Endorse Him Today, I want to talk about transformation. As mayor, I promise I will turn into a beast of policy and transform this town overnight into something we don’t even recognize. I want everyone to wake up the day after I’m sworn in and say, “What the hell happened last night? Gerald, what happened to your face?” Oh yes. Gerald’s face will be bloody—b…

270 Reasons: Because Kamala Knows That Immigrants Are America’s Strength Our friends at 270 Reasons are gathering a polyphonic orchestra of brilliant writers, teachers, doctors, filmmakers, artists, and citizens of all kinds to weigh in about their plans to vote this November. These opinion essays run the gamut from advocacy for basic human rights to acutely personal mini-manifestoes. Read the rest over at 270 Reason…

If Jack Kerouac Tried to Write On the Road Now I first met Dean after my wife and I had split up—dude, why is everyone freaking out, it was just a small earthquake. We get it. Move on. Look at everyone with their little Twitter jokes about the earthquake. Okay, okay, book, book, book. Focus on the book. So, that’s when I had first met Dean. I had also just gotten over a serious illness that …

We Didn’t Vote for Kamala Harris Back in 2024, and Now We’re Stuck in This MAGA Work Camp on Mount Rushmore Sometime in the future, three prisoners from the Keystone MAGA Work Camp carve President Trump’s likeness into Mount Rushmore. PROTEST VOTER: You know what I thought when I woke up this morning, facing yet another day of carving President Trump’s head into Mount Rushmore? I regret not voting for Harris in 2024. CONSPIRACY BELIEVER: Yeah, I kind …