I Am a Passionate Mid-Level University Administrator, and I’m Gonna Administrate the Shit Out of This Place Look, this place needs to be administrated, and I’m the guy to do it. I know you’ve been doing your best, but you’ve been held back. You haven’t been given what you need to be successful. And I’m not talking about money. I’m not talking about resources and opportunities for growth. You’ve had plenty of that. Your problem is that no one gave you …

I’m Willing to Give Our Alien Overlords a Second Chance Look, I don’t need to tell you that times have been tough the past few years. Between the pandemic, mass protests, worldwide inflation, and Target locking deodorant in plexiglass cases, we’ve all had our fair share of struggles. Why, just last week, there were reports of drag queens milling around our local library. So when Commander Zorpf and h…

I’m Robert F. Kennedy Jr., and It’s Time to Build a Healthcare System for 2025 BCE “After saying that he would let Robert F. Kennedy Jr. ‘go wild on health,’ President-elect Donald J. Trump said Thursday that he would nominate him to lead the Health and Human Services Department, positioning a vocal skeptic of vaccines to wield significant influence over public health policy.” — New York Times – – – The American healthcare sys…

I’m Putting Together a Team. The Worst Fucking Team of All Time “President-elect Donald Trump is building his team, naming Cabinet members and key advisers after having been elected to a second presidential term.” — NPR – – – Listen. There’s a reason I wanted to meet with you. It wasn’t just so we could order a couple of rounds, play some blackjack, and catch up on old times. I’ve got a favor to ask. A big o…

Names for Different Groups of Women Bed: A group of tired women. Coalition: Women who are tired of hearing about their reproductive rights getting trampled on. Guys: Actually, a group of women. Girls: Actually, a group of fully grown women. Old Bats: A group of women who used to be goths in high school and still listen to the Cure. Brood: A bunch of women talking about raising bac…

An Open Letter from the Other Side of the World to the 50.2 Percent of Americans Who Probably Won’t Read This and the 48.1 Percent Who Might Dear Americans, During your country’s recent presidential campaign, President-elect Trump spoke about the threat of climate change: “So they talk all the time about how the ocean will rise in five hundred years, one-eighth of an inch, who the hell cares?” Now, before you decide where I’m going with that quote, please allow me to give a disclaime…

Sure, I Voted for Someone Whose Policies Might Kill You, but Now’s the Time to Put Aside Our Differences It’s me, that woman you barely remember from your tenth-grade homeroom who keeps turning up on your Facebook page like a cold sore. Before the election, I mainly posted wine o’clock memes and pictures of my grandbabies; I never publicly declared who I was voting for. But I can say it loudly and proudly now: I voted for Trump. And I’m tired of al…

Rules for Our Cranberry Bog Tired of apple picking and morally opposed to pumpkin patches? Welcome to our cranberry bog. Founded in 1616 and then founded again in 2017, Giving Thanks Cranberry Bog is a family-owned and -operated bog. Located in the Midwest region of the Northeast, our bog offers an array of beloved bog-based activities for friends, bachelorette parties, an…

How to Write a Book That Nicole Kidman Will Turn into a Limited Series The goal of any author isn’t to write the next great American novel or take home a Pulitzer Prize—it’s for Nicole Kidman to turn their book into a hit limited series. The literary industry lives or dies at the hands of actresses who, in the hopes of actually playing a three-dimensional character, option novels to create their own projects. While…

How Much Do You Need? Without cigarettes, I would not have survived my childhood. My mother smoked a pack a day—more than a pack when our circumstances grew dire, and/or she was bound to the state via a prison cell, a mental ward, or the welfare office. Bump that pack up to a pack and a half. She could only buy them pack by pack. Never could afford the savings bundle…

I’m Headed Back to 2014 It’s been a tough stretch, and it’s not looking like it’s going to get better any time soon. I know that for months we’ve been saying, “We’re not going back,” but actually, I am. I’m headed back to 2014. Hop in, if you want to join me. If you’re asking, “Why 2014, exactly?” then clearly, you don’t remember all of the great things about that year…

Wow, Trump Has Already Fixed So Many Problems That Definitely Existed Unbelievably, President-elect Trump hasn’t even been inaugurated yet, and he’s already solved so many of the problems he talked about on the campaign trail. Almost as if they were never there at all. I’m so glad I voted for him. I was really outraged about inflation. But miraculously, today I woke up in Trump’s America, and the average worker’s …

Wanted: Chastity Belt for My Black Woman Optimism, Which Never Ever Learns Hello, I’m currently searching for a chastity belt. Not for purity or protection but for one purpose only: locking up my optimism so it never sees the light of day again. Ever. As a thirty-three-year-old Black woman, my optimism has the nerve to keep hanging around, “trying to find the good in ALL people,” defying every harsh truth that should h…

Updates on the Arc of the Moral Universe “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.” — Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. – – – The arc of the moral universe is feeling pretty stiff this morning. The arc of the moral universe overslept. The arc of the moral universe didn’t sleep at all. The arc of the moral universe just walked into the kitchen but forgot what it wa…

Short Conversations with Poets: Kwame Dawes What Kwame Dawes does in Sturge Town, his far-reaching new collection, is what he’s done book after book: create worlds in a music, and a music for the fleeting world. The first of five sections in the collection is “ … the rapid softening of light …” and then “ … all of light’s fruitfulness …”, which is followed by “ … slowly, from shadow to li…

Finally, the Elites Have Been Defeated by the Billionaires “Resentment against elites proved to be deeper and more profound than many in both parties had recognized.” — NYT “Many other billionaires and industry titans have thrown their support behind Trump. Now, some could be in the running for cabinet posts, while others may wield influence behind the scenes.” — USA Today – – – At long last, the privil…

At Least Us Democrats Went Down Fighting Harder Than We Normally Do It is a gloomy moment in American history. Kamala Harris has lost the election. Donald Trump and his radical right-wing henchman will soon be the most powerful people on earth. Still, we Democrats can rest easy, knowing that we did a few of the things in our power to stop them. Hey, “a few things” is a lot more things than we normally do. What e…

Rape Allegations Really Do Ruin Men’s Lives, Because Now a Rapist Is Stuck Running This Country Anyone who says that rape and sexual assault allegations don’t have any impact on men’s lives needs to look at the facts. Our nation has condemned a serial sexual abuser who has long been plagued by assault and rape allegations to run the entire country. So the next time you think that sexually assaulting women doesn’t ruin men’s lives, reach ou…

The Boy Who Cried Wolf and Was Elected President Two Goddamn Times Once, there was a deceitful, misogynistic shepherd boy. He spent his days spewing racist lies, showing off the large flock his father had handed to him, and fondling sheep. Then, one day, he took a great breath and sang out, “Wolf! Wolf! A wolf is coming!” The villagers came running up the hill to drive the wolf away. But when they arrived, they…

Lessons Democrats Can Learn from Trump’s Flawlessly Executed 2024 Campaign Once again, Donald Trump has won the American presidency. In the autopsy, pundits will cite broad factors of the electoral environment like inflation, immigration, distrust of liberal institutions, the right-wing echo chamber of alternative media, and backlash to the Biden foreign policy doctrine to explain the victory. However, this discounts a…