Why Are People Leaving This City We’ve Made Impossible to Live In? As city leaders, we’re stunned we’re losing thousands and thousands of residents who say they can’t build a life here. We don’t understand why they’re leaving, even after we’ve spent all our time in office making this city absolutely inhospitable to working people. The building block of a comfortable life is housing, so we’re surprised to hear p…

I Am a Disappointed Trump Voter Who Was Told It Would Be the Past by Now Well, they say you should never trust a politician, and it seems I’ve been duped. For months before and since I cast my vote for Donald J. Trump—and yes, I’m one of those people who really leans into the “J” for some reason—I have been promised by every reliable source that change was finally coming to America, after four years of the failed lea…

Welcome Home, President Nyarlathotep Please allow me to take your umbrella, Dread Lord. My advisors informed me this morning during my final daily presidential briefing that Hell had frozen over in honor of your return. They certainly made their decision frigidly clear, by golly. I’m happy the Capitol One Arena could accommodate the final details of your resummoning ritual on such …

Who Said It: Donald Trump or Martin Luther King Jr.? 1. “If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl. But by all means, keep moving.” 2. “Why would Kim Jong Un insult me by calling me ‘old,’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat’? Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend — and maybe someday that will happen!” 3. “An individual has not started living u…

Excerpts from The Believer: An Interview with Annie Leibovitz “When I started working for Rolling Stone, I really thought I was doing journalism. And then I quickly realized I wasn’t, because I had a point of view.” – – – In many ways, I am an unlikely choice of interviewer for a subject like Annie Leibovitz. While I am trained as a photographer and still utilize photography across my work, for the most p…

It’s About Time Our Government Finally Reflects the Real America—An Airport Terminal at 10 a.m. on a Weekday Finally, and not a moment too soon, our government will look, smell, and act like the real America. Not an Ivy League college campus, not a melting pot of immigrants striving to achieve the American dream, but instead an endlessly replenishing stream of shout-talking men outraged that people with disabilities or families with children who are of…

A Pre-Game Pep Talk by a College Football Coach Who Recently Audited a Class on Nietzschean Thought Team, tonight we play the biggest game of our lives. I know you have heard our opposing coach’s comments—“We’re doing everything we can to honor our creator.” I also know you saw last week when their star quarterback took a knee and grabbed the sideline reporter’s microphone so the world could hear his prayer: Our father, who art in heaven I thr…

The Biggest Problem Threatening Our Country Is an App That Brings People Together “The fate of TikTok—and its 170 million American users—hangs in the balance, as the Supreme Court considers the constitutionality of a law that would ban the platform in the U.S. if its China-based owner, ByteDance, doesn’t sell off its U.S. operation by Jan. 19.” — NPR – – – Everything in the United States was fine until TikTok came along. Befo…

Brainstorming Notes of the Typical Male American Spy Novelist Title idea: The Kandahar Paramour Protagonist name ideas: Ethan Sharp? Grayson Grimm? Hunter Savage? Character: Layla. Divided loyalties. C-cup. Flashback: Bad guys kill protagonist’s fiancée (HOT/WHITE/ETC.) Title idea: The Baghdad Seduction: Seduction in Baghdad More protagonist names: Jack Skinner? Jack Killgore? Jackson “Jack” Jackington …

A Marriage Proposal Spoken Entirely in Office Jargon GARY: Hey Cindy, remember the other day when we were talking about optimizations? CINDY: Yeah, I wanted to circle back on that. GARY: Me too. You said you wanted to see hockey-stick growth. Well, I’ve realized that I want to see hockey-stick growth too—in our relationship. CINDY: Unpack that for me. GARY: This relationship has been such a value-…

Signs You Are a Gen-Xer Who’s About to Turn Sixty 1. You own music in so many formats that your collection could be housed in an audio museum. 2. Back in your day, people feared measles more than the vaccine that prevents it. 3. You were too young to go to the first Woodstock and too old to deal with Woodstock ’99. 4. You’ve lived through several waves of feminism, and they’ve culminated in two…

One Upside of the Total Collapse of Civilization Is We Don’t Have to Be Woke Anymore As I gaze upon the ruins of what was once my home city, where I grew up and built a life full of love, laughter, and fond memories, I could feel sad. But I cannot help but smile, for we have finally conquered wokeness. There was a time when every “blue” joke would yield a reprimand from HR. Now, no one would dare to stop me from screening Blazin…

Who Better to Address Sexual Assault in the Military Than a Man Who Has Been Accused of Sexual Assault? “Pete Hegseth, President-elect Donald Trump’s pick to lead the Defense Department, faced senators at his confirmation hearing on Tuesday, where he fielded tough questions from Democrats over his views on women in the military and an allegation of sexual assault.” — CBS News, 1/14/25 – – – As a conservative, I believe Hegseth is the perfect perso…

Mark Zuckerberg Makes Meta More Masculine “Mark Zuckerberg lamented the rise of ‘culturally neutered’ companies that have sought to distance themselves from ‘masculine energy,’ adding that it’s good if a culture ‘celebrates the aggression a bit more.’” — Financial Review – – – HR now stands for “Hims Repository.” Intra-office communication shall address recipient with one of the followi…

Your Mom Has Been Acquired by Omnimomcorp As we all know, we live in an era of monumental change. We’ve always prided ourselves on being at the forefront of growth, which is why today, we’re thrilled to publicly announce that Mom has been acquired by Omnimomcorp, creating the premier partnership in unconditional love and updates on what the dog ate all day. Since 1990, Mom has set out t…

An Apology from Snapple Regarding Several Snapple Facts That Went Out Last Year If you’re reading this, you purchased a Snapple manufactured in Jully of last year. During that time, our computers were down. Since we’re not Dr. Pepper (or Diet Dr. Pepper), we have to rely on fun facts on the undersides of our bottle caps to get people to buy our products. And without computers, our writers had to come up with facts they knew…

Massachusetts Road Signs

Your Thirties Are the Best Years of Your Life, Unfortunately I’ll start with the good news: These are the best years of your life. That’s right. You are currently at your overall happiest, most attractive, and most employable. (You were better looking in your twenties, but you were also a total nutcase.) This brings us to the bad news: Seriously, these are the best years of your life. Go ahead. Take a lon…

I Will Pay Any Amount to Not Pay My Taxes I’ve gotten myself into a bit of a jam. A series of natural disasters is barreling towards my home, and there is a severe shortage of resources and trained professionals available in my community to help me stave them off. So, I am putting out a call for any available public service personnel to help me protect my property. I’m willing to pay li…

Time to Grab the Dusty Old Expired Bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide to Clean This Wound Do you know what this gaping, bloody gash needs? Some hydrogen peroxide from the back of my linen closet that expired five years ago. I will wash the oozing cut with warm water and soap to make sure it’s clean. Then I will dump this rancid old chemical into the open meat of my hand. Wow, that really burns. The fizzing and pain mean it’s working….