Other Things John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Wished People Shouted at Him “Do you mind me shouting at you like this, or would you prefer I let you pass without shouting at you?” “I’m a medical doctor who just looked at your health records, and good news! You’ll never get cancer!” “Your parents were wrong to name you that!” “Your name is NOT my name too! I just like shouting at people I don’t know, because I am a small…

An Open Letter to Lumon Industries Requesting to Please Kindly Insert the Severance Device in My Brain and Keep It on “Innie” Mode for the Next Four Years Dear Mr. Jame Egan, Chief Executive Officer at Lumon Industries, First, I congratulate you on implementing the severance procedure, which successfully blocks your employees’ memories and knowledge from the outside world when they are at work so they can completely focus on their jobs, unencumbered by distractions from what is happening out there…

Excerpts from The Believer: Resurrector: Black Square “Gallery-goers might have been outraged not only because of the work’s simplicity—it is a 79.5-centimeter-square canvas bordered thickly in gray and white, filled in with black paint—but because it was not even a square.” – – – A rotating guest column in which writers reexamine critically unacclaimed works of art – – – In 1915, long before the r…

The New Cair Paravel Times Editorial Board Reflects on the First Weeks of the White Witch’s Second Reign It was, with the somewhat unexpected return of Jadis, White Witch and Queen of Narnia and Empress of the Lone Islands, the hopes of this Editorial Board that Queen Jadis’s second reign would be marked by more understanding and compassion than her first reign was. In some ways, we feel that in the instability of these times, there have been momen…

Changes Our University Is Making to Pre-Comply with Possible Future Regulations “he University of North Texas administration recently censored the content of more than two hundred academic courses, including by mandating the removal of words such as race, gender, class, and equity from undergraduate and graduate course titles and descriptions. These actions were allegedly taken in response to state legislation banning ce…

“Democracy Dies in Darkness” Wasn’t a Warning; It Was Our End Goal “Jeff Bezos, the owner of the Washington Post, announced a major shift to the newspaper’s opinion section on Wednesday, saying it would now advocate ‘personal liberties and free markets’ and not publish opposing viewpoints on those topics.” — New York Times – – – For nearly 150 years, the Washington Post has been a pillar of the American media l…

We Promised to Bring Back a Golden Age—But We Never Actually Specified Which Golden Age “The golden age of America begins right now.” — President Donald Trump, during his inauguration speech. – – – We promised that, if elected, we would return America to “a golden age.” And by God, we did it. We delivered on that promise. Admittedly, it’s not the golden age you were expecting—the one when stuff was affordable, employment was high, …

An Updated Guide to Generations Greatest Generation: People born between 1901 and 1927 who lived through the Great Depression and definitely never made a TikTok of themselves jumping into a kiddie pool full of nachos. Second-Greatest Generation: “My Generation” by the Who. Silent Generation: People born between 1928 and 1945 who came of age at the start of the Cold War and are…

We’ve Replaced the Government’s Hiring Criteria with a Better, Fairer System: Hiring Whoever Yells the Loudest “The Trump administration’s pick for FBI deputy director is Dan Bongino, a former U.S. Secret Service agent-turned-conservative commentator whose fiery support of President Trump has earned him a massive following — and seen him banned from YouTube for promoting misinformation.” — NPR – – – For years, the United States government hired people fo…

Let’s Bring Back Traditional Values (No, Not Those Ones) Now that we’ve elected a president who promises to make America great again, it’s time to bring back our traditional American values, including: Strict gender roles for men and women Christianity (white Jesus only; ignore any passages about the weak or poor) Classical architecture Growing our own vegetables (after farms collapse without undocum…

Two-Sentence Headlines Are Everywhere. Here’s Why You Should Be Concerned I’m here to sound the alarm about the greatest crisis of our time—and it has nothing to do with the usual suspects: climate change, AI taking our jobs, or something about TikTok. It’s the two-sentence headline. Yes, those insidious double declarations that now infest every opinion section, every analysis, every “think piece” about how modernity …

To Increase Government Efficiency, Every Federal Employee Must Write an Email No One Will Read “Billionaire Elon Musk issued an ultimatum to federal employees Saturday, saying in a post on his social media platform X that employees must respond to an email justifying the work they completed this week or resign.” — NBC News – – – The spirit of innovation is back in the White House. After decades of bureaucratic stagnation, the newly-create…

Starfleet Eliminating All Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Programs To all Starfleet personnel, It is with great enthusiasm that we announce Starfleet’s commitment to moving beyond so-called diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) initiatives and embracing a post-bias future where everything is fine and no one needs to think too hard about it. For too long, our DEI programs have distracted us from our true missio…

Why I Chose to Reenter the Matrix and Be a Living Battery for the Machines Let’s cut the moral grandstanding. You think I sold out humanity by crawling back to the Machines? Please. I upgraded. While you’re out there doom-scrolling about wildfires, crypto presidents, and the fear of AI taking your job, I did what any pragmatic adult would do: I slid into the Machines’ DMs like, “Hey, sorry about that whole rebellion th…

Excerpts from The Believer: Finding Win Ng In the 1960s, a Chinese American ceramicist built one of the first widely known lifestyle brands. Why, despite the iconic status of his work, is so little known about the artist himself? – – – Ten years ago in Nevada City, California, I encountered two coffee mugs in the front seat of an old Mercedes station wagon belonging to Joe Meade, an arti…

Don’t Tread on Me—Unless You’re a Billionaire with a Ketamine Addiction, in Which Case I Enthusiastically Support It Listen, I don’t know how to say this, but I think I’m finally okay with being trodden on. Just a little. Just enough to feel the reassuring weight of a billionaire’s boot pressing gently against my liberty-loving neck. For years, I stood tall against tyranny. I flew my DON’T TREAD ON ME flag so high it violated three HOA regulations and traumati…

Take Him Seriously, Not Literally Take him seriously, not literally. Don’t believe everything he says, but do believe the intention behind his words. Take him literally, not figuratively. He’s not much of a reader, so if he’s using flowery language, it’s not to impress you. It’s because there’s oil under those flowers. Take him figuratively, not metaphorically. When he says he w…

Our Son Lionel’s Back at School Dear Miss Julie, As you’re about to discover, we’re sending Lionel back to preschool today after his two-week-long illness-related absence. Although we had a wonderful time hanging out with our boy twenty-four hours a day, taking him to multiple doctors’ appointments, neglecting urgent deadlines, and waking up intermittently at night to pin him …

Mac Barnett Has Been Named 2025-26 National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature Big congratulations to McSweeney’s friend, colleague, and writer Mac Barnett, who has been named the 2025-26 National Ambassador for Young People’s Literature. Here’s the press release from the Library of Congress: The Library of Congress and Every Child a Reader announce the appointment of Mac Barnett as the 2025-2026 National Ambassador for Y…

So You’re Trying to Rationalize Rooting for USA Hockey as Our Country Turns into an Autocracy Tonight, Canada and the USA square off in the final game of the Four Nations Face-Off to determine first place in the tournament. And—let’s be honest—America isn’t exactly “likable” these days. In fact, we’re kind of “an irredeemable hellscape.” But the moment the puck drops, perhaps you’ll feel a dormant pang of patriotism you only associate wi…